


Life's Full of Surprises

by Alexwritesfics



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: A Fresh Start, AU - Canon Divergence, Corridor shenanigans, FOREHEAD-TOUCHING, Fluff, In which I explore my love of height difference, M/M, Mentions of past child abuse, Mentions of the trenches, Re-upload, Romance, Romantic/sexual tension, Some Angst with a Happy Ending, mild sexual themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2015-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-08 19:51:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 31,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4317621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexwritesfics/pseuds/Alexwritesfics
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Andy finally works up the courage to confess his feelings - but there may be bumps in the road for him and his new lover. Can they forge a life together somewhere new? Parkbarrow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Kisses

**Author's Note:**

> Heya. You might know me as MissedTheTrainToLondonTown on tumblr. I'm going to upload all of the fics I've written on tumblr onto here, editing as I go along when needed. This was the first multi-chapter story that I ever completed. I feel like I've improved since then, so if it feels a little dated, I'll try to make changes throughout the re-uploading process, but some things that I no longer like are integral to the plot so we'll see how things play out, eh? Here we go...

'Thomas?'

Thomas' eyes flickered from the cards in his hands to Andy, who was looking over at him with what appeared to be tentative curiosity, and embarrassment from accidentally using Thomas' first name. Thomas hadn't seen that look for a while, now. Andy had spoke with almost reverent tones about Thomas when he'd been settling into Downton, grateful for Thomas' help and seemingly in awe of the underbutler. 

Andy got on well with most of the people in his new workplace, but clearly chose not to heed peoples' cryptic warnings about Thomas, stubbornly following Thomas around like a lost puppy. But months had passed, and Thomas felt like they were finally on more equal footing, and he felt less on a pedestal than before, a fact for which he was thankful. It was nice to be in someone's good books again, but Thomas wanted the warmth of human connection, not the cold separation of idolisation.

The underbutler cleared his throat, forcing himself out of his reverie to reply with a: 'yes?'

Andy hesitated, casting his eyes back down to his cards as he spoke again. 'Mister Bates was sat talking to me the other day. About the footman who left before I arrived at Downton.'

Thomas felt his face heat up, but the wound was not as raw as it had once been. So. They were about to have _this_ conversation. He knew the rumours would catch up with him eventually.

'They said you two were close,' Andy finished, the last part coming out as a bit of a mumble.

Thomas tried to keep his expression neutral. 'Yes. Yes, I guess we were.' He cleared his throat again, suddenly finding it had gone rather dry. 'Jimmy, his name was.' And _oh,_ the wound may be healing but it felt like tiny pinpricks on the surface, blossoming into a lump of regret in his throat. All the things he could've said... If only he'd warned Jimmy on the night of the fire-

'-Mister Barrow? Are you alright?' Andy's worried voice brought him back to the present. 'I-I'm sorry if I upset you. I know I probably shouldn't have brought it up, but...' Thomas tried to swallow the lump in his throat and meet Andy's anxious eyes.

'No, it's fine, don't worry yourself. We parted on good terms, which is more than I ever expected to happen, after... After we had a bit of a falling out one time.' He sighed, trying to change the subject. 'Anyway, it's all in the past, now. Do you want to start again with this round, or-?'

'Mister Bates said you don't go out with women.'

Thomas suppressed another deep sigh, dropping his cards onto the table. He knew he should be scared of losing Andy, and deep down he was, he really was, but he had come to expect his various relationships to be painfully temporary. 'Is this what's got you so worried? I enjoy your company, Andy...' He tailed off as he watched Andy's cheeks turn slightly pink, and he began to panic a little ( _you've only bloody gone and put your foot in your mouth again, you're going to lose him, oh lord, you're going to to lose him_ ) '...and I'm not going to lie to you, I-I'm not like most men a-and I'm not exactly someone you want to be seen being friendly with, but there's absolutely no danger of me doing anything untowar-'

The lips that found his were a complete surprise. Andy had leaned over, cards dropping to the floor, and kissed him. Andy Parker had KISSED him. HIM. Thomas Barrow.

It was chaste and overwhelmingly sweet, Andy's lips moving gently, as if he had all the time in the world. Thomas was still in shock when the young footman pulled back, his face redder than before and his eyes shining. When the footman spoke again, his voice shook, but he seemed somehow more confident, proud, even. 'S-See, that got me thinking, Mister Barrow... That thing that Mister Bates said. He was probably trying to warn me off you.' He laughed, and there was an excited, nervous edge to it. 'I-I'm not very good with, with words, never have been with things like this, but-'

Thomas bit his lip, the action being all he could muster just then. Andy was interested? In him?

'Anyway,' Andy said quickly, taking a stuttering breath. 'I know you really liked Jimmy, I mean, I know most people think I'm not all there but I can see how much he meant to you. I just wanted to let you know that I care about you too.' He smiled and it spread slowly across his face, tinged with sadness but still miraculous in its own way and hard to look away from.

Thomas finally found his voice again. 'Andy, wh-when did you...? I don't understand. When did you start thinking this way about, well, about me? You don’t have to do this, you don't have to do all of this because I've been nice to ya-'

'-Thomas!' Andy said urgently. Thomas noted the dropping of "Mister Barrow". Andy sighed, smile falling from his face, and Thomas felt something suspiciously like his heart clenching. Perhaps he wasn't as distant from it all as he'd thought. 'Please Thomas, don't make it out like I'm some sort of a victim,' Andy said. 'I knew you'd go and do this... I know I'm younger than you, but I know my own mind. I know what want.'

There was a pregnant pause.

Thomas steeled himself and proceeded with 'And?' to test the waters.

Andy blushed harder, running his fingers through his slick hair. 'It might take a little time, I-I'm sorry, I guess I got carried away.' He pushed the chair back as he went to get to his feet.

Thomas felt his heart drop to his stomach. 'No, Andy, wait-'

'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just gone for it like that. I couldn't stop thinking about it though. I waited all evening for people to go to bed, I wanted to be alone to tell you...' 

Thomas resisted the urge to cover his face - he felt naked, exposed, and he was sure he was blushing just as hard as Andy, if not more.

He could still feel Andy's lips on his, the air between them still crackling with faint electricity. 'We could... We could always talk about it, if you wanted to. I just don't really understand, I mean, where is all of this coming from?'

Andy laughed again, shaking his head in disbelief. 'You really don't know, do you?'

'I don't quite follow.'

Andy got to his feet, leaning down and kissing Thomas tenderly on the cheek. He pulled back, only to take Thomas' limp hand, squeezing it gently. 'We'll talk about this s-some other time, Thomas.'

Thomas hummed noncommittally, trying to steady his breathing as Andy rested his own forehead briefly against Thomas'. Thomas leaned in, enjoying the closeness.

The moment was over far too soon for Thomas' liking, but he felt powerless when it came to telling Andy to stay with him. The footman walked across the room, stopping at the hallway. He looked back, face still a little red, but his expression was calmer and seemingly more content. 'I'm going up to bed. Goodnight, Mister Barrow.'

Thomas looked down at the cards on the table, smiling a little. 'Goodnight, Andy.'


	2. Nervous Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas thinks over Andy's confession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to get all of the chapters up as soon as possible, so bear with me x

It had been a restless night for Thomas Barrow - a night of reflection, retracing his steps as he searched for the exact moment when Andy had started seeing him as more than a mentor, more than a close friend.

And he concluded that it must have happened slowly - little glances from across the room, conversations struck up during Thomas' numerous smoke breaks, the way Andy was constantly asking him about Thomas' previous trip to America over breakfast, fascinated by tales of the food and the music and the people. Perhaps the footman had been fascinated by more than America.

The underbutler's thoughts had briefly drifted to that of Andy and Andy alone when he'd got up during the night for a smoke. Thomas remembered Andy's bright eyes and flushed cheeks, the way Andy had looked at him - like he'd hung the bloody moon, but still not in the way of unquestioning gratitude Andy had taken to doing when he'd first arrived. Andy had looked at Thomas that evening, not just the idea of Thomas, and apparently he'd liked what he'd seen. Maybe that's why Thomas had felt so exposed earlier...

It was still alien to Thomas that Andy thought of him that way - Andy was young, full of life. Not to mention an optimist. Thomas liked to think he'd helped Andy to become a little less naive, but Andy had been so bold that evening, so sure in his convictions. It was illegal, against God, facts that Thomas had to deal with every day. But _Andy Parker?_ No, Andy Parker took it all in his stride, apparently.

Thomas had trouble suppressing the wry smile that the thought brought to his lips as he sipped his tea that morning, a knot of worry still twisting uncomfortably in his stomach. He was apprehensive and therefore less inclined to eat, but had already forced a slice of toast and jam down so he wouldn't feel faint later on in the day.

'What are you so happy about this morning?' The comment, clearly aimed at him and clearly aimed to displease, came from Bates, but there wasn't any real venom behind the statement. Thomas wasn't in the mood to play their little game today.

'I wouldn't say that it's any of your business,' Thomas replied as curtly as he could manage, but he just didn't sound as neat and put-together as usual. He was out of sorts, and he knew exactly why. As always, he had no-one to turn to.

Andy was younger than him, most likely less experienced, and so Thomas had a duty to suck it up, get over any doubts and protect him. Thomas had decided that night to let the footman down gently, despite the way Andy looked at him, despite the good times they'd already had together, despite the precious hope Andy's words had given him, despite the undeniable magic of that first kiss, despite the way Andy had begun to make Thomas' heart pound like he was young all over again, _despite, despite, despite..._

Thomas shook his head minutely, as if to clear it. It wouldn't do him any good though - Andy was inside his thoughts, beneath his skin, unable to be pushed aside in Thomas' mind. Thomas was getting all tangled up in what-ifs again, as if the night before had never truly ended.

He looked up at the sound of footsteps, ignoring the strange feeling of worry and anticipation in his stomach as he saw Andy approaching the table, hair a little askew but otherwise well-turned-out - _cute,_ even. _Oh god,_ this lack of sleep and constant questioning was messing with Thomas' mind. He angrily banned the word "cute" from his train of thought, but alas, it kept resurfacing.

'You're late, Andrew,' Carson barked. 'You nearly missed breakfast, what could possibly have kept you so long?'

'I'm sorry, Mister Carson, I-I felt a little ill this morning, but I'm feeling much better now.'

 _Good lord, what a performance._ Andy's sincere eyes seemed to do the job. Thomas would have felt ashamed for corrupting the lad if he wasn't so bloody proud of him - earnest, sincere Andy had finally mastered the white lie. The underbutler idly wondered how much more Andy would be able to get away with under the frankly poisonous influence of Thomas Barrow.

Still, Thomas felt better than he actually was when he was with Andy. The underbutler always got the sense that he could afford to be a little kinder, something that only just then registered as bizarre.

'Well... as long as it doesn't happen again,' Carson said, relenting. 'And sort out your hair before you go up, do I make myself quite clear, Andrew?'

Andrew nodded solemnly, taking a seat opposite Thomas, much to Thomas' well-disguised embarrassment - so much had changed within a single night. As soon as Carson's attention was blessedly diverted, the footman smiled, giving Thomas a quick wink. Thomas swallowed nervously, feeling his throat grow a little dryer and his collar tighter. He pulled on his tie absentmindedly, avoiding Andy's gaze by staring down at his emptied plate.

It wasn't long before there was the sound of an empty teacup being set down, and Andy sat up a little straighter. 'Mister Barrow,' he began, and Thomas looked up with as much dignity as he could muster, trying not to blush when he met Andy's earnest eyes, 'I was wondering if I might have a word with you before you go up?' 

Thomas' eyes widened slightly as he looked around, finding the other servants immersed in their own deep conversations. It didn't seem like anyone was paying him and Andy any attention. 'Andy, surely you don't need my help with your hair, or anything?' He began, feeling a little twinge of guilt at the beginnings of disappointment in Andy's eyes. 'It's probably not the best idea if we go off together, especially after...' He lowered his voice. '...What happened last night.'

Andy lowered his voice too, his tone imploring. 'Please, Thomas. I need to talk to you, I know I probably came on too strong last night but-'

'-Oh, fine,' Thomas said, heat rising in his face, hoping to a god he didn't really believe in that no-one was listening. 'Quickly then, before we have to go up. I need to talk to you about something as well.'

They both got to their feet, making their excuses and heading off to the male living quarters.

~*~

'Is this any better, Mister Barrow?' Andy enquired, smoothing his hair back as he looked in the mirror.

They were in Thomas' room, after Andy's insistence that he was running out of pomade and needed some to fix his seemingly perpetual bed hair. Thomas sat miserably on the bed, feeling the tension between them.

Neither of them had said a word about last night since they entered Thomas' room, but Thomas was not about to let this go on for any longer - it was messing with his head. 'Andy, I need to talk to you,' he began tentatively. 'I need to know what was going through your head last night... I don't want to see you hurt. Ever.'

'I don't to want see you hurt either,' Andy said softly.

Thomas gave a sigh of exasperation. 'Yes, but what if you were wrong? What if Bates had been stirring up lies? It would've been a bloody catastrophe, that's what. I could've reported you, I could've panicked and incriminated us both. You've really got to be more careful.' The underbutler closed his eyes for a moment to compose himself, thoughts once again drifting to the feeling of Andy squeezing his hand, Andy's forehead resting gently against his own... He opened them again, forcing himself to focus on the task at hand.

'I knew, Thomas. I just knew,' Andy said simply, wiping the pomade off his hands. 'And I also kind of got the feeling that you might feel the same way.'

'The same way about what?'

The corners of Andy's mouth pulled down slightly. 'Nothing. I just wanted to apologise.'

'Don't.' Thomas got to his feet, feeling slightly emboldened as he rested a hand on Andy's shoulder. It was a tentative move, devoid of any untoward intention, but Thomas felt that same overwhelming buzz of electricity he'd felt from the kiss again, and he fought to stop himself from snatching his hand back away. He didn't want to look squeamish or foolish. 'You've got nothing to be sorry for. I should have told you before you went to bed last night...' He took a deep breath and fought to keep his facial expression neutral - he was nervous about this, but he'd been thinking about it all night. 'I'm not looking for a partner. I'm more than happy with my current situation-' He stopped in his tracks as he saw Andy's expression crumble, just for a moment, before Andy blinked and kept his eyes to the ground. Thomas felt Andy’s hurt like a knife, and endeavoured in vain to make things right, feeling like was drowning in a sea of words left unsaid. '-Look, I-I'm really sorry, Andy-'

'-Don't you go bloody apologising, Thomas Barrow...!' was the reply. The footman sounded exasperated rather than angry. 'And I'd leave you alone and never speak of any of this again right now if I actually believed that for one second. We could... We could be good together.'

Thomas felt a strange kind of anger rise in the pit of his stomach. It hurt for him to turn Andy away, but it was made even harder by the fact that the footman was resisting. Why couldn't he just let it go so they could both move on? 'Andy,' he said through gritted teeth. 'Please, for your own sake, stop this right here and now. It's wrong for us to be carrying on like this. I'm not going to even entertain the idea. We’re men, and one of us has a reputation for things like this. We're in differing positions. We're living a life in service.' Thomas bit his lip before continuing. 'Every spare moment is spent being watched and judged by others, we're constantly on the clock and I'm an old, old man compared to you-'

'-Stop acting like you're ancient!'

'I _am_ when compared to you! I've been there, done that-'

'-You've never done anything with me.' Andy's voice took on a softer tone and it made Thomas feel like there was suddenly less air in the room, like it was somehow harder to breathe as he fought to maintain his composure.

'And you're not old,' Andy went on to say. 'Older,' he admonished with a tentative smile that was so endearing that Thomas somehow found himself returning it, 'but that's alright. That's fine. And yeah, you've done things that I've never done, things that I never will. B-But I want to give it a try. I want to... Be with you. And not just playing cards of an evening, I want to actually get to know you...' Andy blushed again, tips of his ears going a little red. 'If you're willing.'

Thomas felt a smile, a genuine smile, sit comfortably on his face. 'Come here,' he said simply.

Andy seemed to snap out of a reverie, looking up quickly as his eyes widened. 'What?'

'Your hair. It's still not bloody right.' The underbutler chuckled slightly as Andy moved in a little closer, trying to ignore the thump of his heart in his ears as his thoughts returned to the night he'd fixed Andy's tie straight. Thomas still hadn't the faintest idea why Andy was so smitten with someone so different from him. But he had to admit, Andy had his charms. Thomas felt hope blossom deep in his chest and for once he did not immediately quash it.

'There.' Thomas murmured. It hadn't taken long to smooth Andy's hair into an acceptable style, but Thomas secretly missed Andy's dishevelled hair a great deal. 'Why couldn't you do this for yourself, anyway?'

'Ah, it's happened for ages,' Andy replied, nodding in thanks for Thomas' help. 'Whenever I'm worried about something, my hair never goes right of a morning. Bloody annoying, it is. Even I don't know why it happens.'

Thomas couldn't stand it any longer. He gently took Andy's hands in his own, leaning in a little, trying desperately not to be overbearing. '...Are you worried now?'

Andy smiled and shook his head. 'Nervous, but it's not the same, not one bit.'

'I'm nervous too,' Thomas blurted out before he could help it, mentally kicking himself immediately afterwards. But it was true, no matter how many times he'd tried to deny it or brush it off over the years. He'd been hurt. He wanted things to work out favourably for once.

Andy seemed to respond well to the admission, eyes brightening as he gently squeezed Thomas' hands again. 'Well, then we're nervous together,' he said, the words sounding odd but strangely right to Thomas just then.

There was a pause, and Thomas would have adored to stay that way - pomade-slicked hands clasped together, eyes locked, the world seeming softer, gentler than the rough one Thomas had had to grow used to.

Of course, like all moments, it had to end, and though it was awkward to pull away and set themselves straight and head off before someone came looking for them, Thomas felt the dangerous stirrings of _what-ifs_ and _maybes_ once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading x


	3. Not the Same Old Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy may be an open book at times, but he has hidden depths.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Height difference in a ship makes me happy, and I enjoyed writing this dialogue x

A week or so passed.

There had been no more talk of taking any more steps in their relationship, but Thomas felt himself relax in Andy's presence once more, things returning to a more familiar rhythm. The pair talked in hushed but casual tones in the servant's hall, went for walks on their days off that coincided, and generally just enjoyed each other's company.

There was something that had puzzled Thomas before the night of his first kiss with Andy - Andy would often seek Thomas out whilst the underbutler indulged in a quick smoke break. But now he knew why. Smoking meant time alone to simply be together without having to come up with a convoluted excuse.

Still, Thomas felt the need to ask the footman about it one day in the yard.

'Andy, why do you come out here of an afternoon if you don't smoke?'

Andy looked up from the fashion article he'd ventured out to show Thomas earlier, cocking his head slightly to the side, as if trying to suss something out. '...Why are you asking a question you already know the answer to?'

Thomas' lip curled slightly as he stubbed out his cigarette. So. He'd been right after all. 'To be with me?'

Andy hummed in affirmation, smiling a little as he ducked his head ever-so-slightly.

Thomas laughed under his breath. 'You're blushing,' he teased, though it was light and more affectionate than anything. Thomas had hurt many people over the course of his career, but he'd never want Andy to be one of them.

Andy rolled his eyes, face growing redder. 'I'm not, Mister Barrow.' 

'Thomas,' the underbutler corrected, watching Andy's smile grow unconsciously wider.

'So when did you start smoking, then?' Andy asked, leaning back on the wall slightly.

'When I was just starting out. It's an acquired taste.'

'Must be. I guess I've never liked it. Just starting out?' Andy prompted, looking over at Thomas with curiosity in his eyes. 

'Well, yes. Only just got into service then. Seems like such a long time ago...'

'Oh, you're getting that faraway look on your face again. Come on Thomas, don’t go all melancholy on me.'

Thomas gave him a playful shove. I'm not "going all melancholy" on you. I'm just remembering some of the good times. And they _were_ good times, now I look back on them. I was always so focused on climbing the career ladder, but it was a better time to be a footman before the war.'

''Did you meet many men?'

Thomas smiled minutely - this time he was the one feeling the urge to duck his head. 'Yes, plenty. There were many opportunities back then. Some of them were kinder to me than others...' It still hurt to think of the men he'd been drawn to over his lifetime, but he found he could look at his experiences with slightly more fondness than before. He cleared his throat, eager to direct the conversation away from himself. 'Anyway, what about you?' he asked.

'Oh, me?' Andy rubbed the back of his neck, face looking a little strained. 'There's been a few men, nothing major. And there was a couple of girls, y'know-'

'Girls?'

'Y-Yeah. I like more than just men.'

Thomas looked down at the ground awkwardly for a moment. 'I... I tried with girls, but there was just no real interest there.'

Andy laughed nervously. 'I, I'm partial to both, I suppose. It just depends on the person. I was seeing a girl last year. We were very happy together, o-or at least, I thought we were.' He smiled ruefully. '...I caught her with another lad eventually, and we went our separate ways.' Andy looked down at the ground for a moment, and when he looked up, his eyes seemed a little clearer to Thomas. 'It took me a while to move on from that one... I would've settled down with her, you know-'

Thomas made a small noise of surprise. 'Really? That serious?'

'Y-Yeah. Guess I'm the settling type, ahah... But she was a maid and we worked at different places, and in service it feels like two different worlds. That's my take on it, anyway.'

'Were you angry? Y'know, at her and the other lad?'

'At first, I mean, I'd never felt that way towards someone before so it really stung, but I've also never been one to hold a grudge. I'd been seeing less and less of her towards the end, anyway.'

Thomas felt his heart clench again as he saw the corners of Andy's mouth pulled down. He felt angry on Andy's behalf, angry that someone had treated Andy like that. But he was also rather humbled that Andy had shared so much when he himself had been so evasive with his answers. _He must really trust me in his own way..._ Thomas felt like he would walk a little lighter around the halls of Downton from now on, emboldened by the knowledge that someone understood his preferences and had an understanding of heartache. It felt like freedom, smoking in the yard with Andy Parker.

'But I'm alright now,' Andy finally said, hand brushing against Thomas' gloved one in a fashion that was probably accidental but was telling all the same. 'It's nice here. I like Downton a lot better than where I used to work. Too many bad memories at the old place.'

'I feel that way about Downton, sometimes,' Thomas replied in an attempt to be more honest with the trusting footman. 'About the bad memories part, I mean. I've been here a long time now.'

'Maybe things will get better, maybe you'll start to make new memories...'

'It's a nice thought Andy, but you'll find that everything here stays mostly the same. Everything has its place. Same old routine, same old customs, same old faces...'

'I'm not some same old face, right?' Andy looked up through his lashes as he said it, and Thomas smiled, shaking his head.

'No,' Thomas admitted, 'no, I guess you're not.'

_And I'm glad for it._

There was a pause, the taste of his last cigarette still on the underbutler's tongue as he gazed over at Andy. Andy's eyes were bright again, hair slicked back as usual but moving slightly with the breeze, hands absentmindedly twisting the fashion article in his grip. Thomas briefly fantasised about reaching over and messing up those curls, for once not bothering to keep himself in check.

'I'd quite like to kiss you now,' were words out of Thomas' mouth before he could stop himself.

Andy blushed, rubbing the back of his neck again, nerves showing. '...I'd like that, too.'

Thomas laughed - God, they were both wrecks - and murmured: 'you've gone so awfully shy, Andy' to distract himself from his own apprehensiveness. Old habits died hard. Would they still feel such a spark? The more Thomas thought about that very first kiss, the more his thoughts felt scrambled and uncertain. Did Andy want to pull out and move away from what they had at the last second?

But who would Andy be if he didn't take this all in his stride?

Andy leaned forward into Thomas' proximity, shy grin growing even wider when Thomas wrapped his arms loosely around the footman's waist. 'Can I tell you a secret?' the footman whispered, the ghost of a laugh still in his voice.

'What is it?' Thomas said with curiosity.

'I drank some liquid courage before kissing you the other night. I, I was so nervous, and I didn't want to be cowardly and let everything go unsaid all over again, and I didn't want to start babbling and end up talking you to death before we'd even-'

Thomas pressed his forehead against Andy's, trying to replicate some of the same gentleness Andy had managed to conjure. Andy fell silent, blushing harder and closing his eyes, leaning into the embrace. Thomas pulled back slightly and pressed his lips to Andy's, Andy making a small noise of agreement and kissing back.

They remained like that for a few precious minutes, the electricity Thomas had felt from the first kiss thrumming and tangible in the air. When Thomas finally opened his eyes again he found the footman gazing back at him, eyes as bright and enchanting as ever.

The underbutler took Andy's left hand in his own and squeezed it, making Andy grin and bite his lip in the most goddamn adorable way. But then the footman's face fell and Thomas felt a distinct sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, the balloon of happiness turning ever-so-slightly to lead. 'I have to go,' Andy said, sighing and pulling away. I'll be late for my duties. And you will be too, so don't act like you can spend all day kissing me...!' He squeezed Thomas' hand with his own, before withdrawing from the embrace completely.

Thomas gave a long-suffering sigh as he smoothed down the slight creases in his uniform. 'I'll see you later then...'

'See you tonight, Thomas.' Andy turned to leave, before quickly spinning back around, as if he had forgotten something important. He kissed Thomas chastely on the mouth, nose bumping slightly against the underbutler's in a way that was both clumsy and sweet, before turning away for a second time and leaving Thomas alone in the yard to his thoughts.

Thoughts that were now filled with Andy Parker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading x


	4. By Candlelight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mild sexual themes in this one.

Thomas' room seemed somehow smaller at night when lit by candlelight, but it was cosier. Especially when there was a visitor.

Thomas closed the book in his hands softly, leaning back against the wall. He was spread out on his bed with Andy sat on the chair at the foot of it, the latter looking over some photographs his friend from his previous placement had sent him.

Andy looked over at him, eyes shining in the soft light. 'America...' he murmured. 'My friend's sent me postcards from America. He's so lucky - it seems like such an amazing place to be.'

Thomas nodded, revelling in just how content Andy looked in that moment. They were both just in their pyjama bottoms and undershirts, though it didn't bother either of them. This kind of intimacy was something Thomas knew he craved on some level. The blessing of candlelight made the footman's face look like an exquisite oil painting, and if Thomas had been able, he would've painted it right then and there. 'It's very modern,' the underbutler replied, keeping his frivolous thoughts to himself.

'I still can't believe you've been there...'

'Neither can I, sometimes. It feels like a world away. Though it wasn't all fun and games, and it wasn't always like what you see at the pictures. I had to look after his Lordship, which is a task and a bloody half if you don't mind me saying.'

Andy laughed at Thomas' remark, eyelids closing slightly, the sound melodic and pleasing to Thomas' ears. The footman looked tired but happy nevertheless, and Thomas felt overwhelmingly glad that they were so off-guard and comfortable around each other.

'I want to go there one day,' Andy announced, determination in his eyes.

'Mhm. There's still time yet, you've got your whole life to go and see America. I'm sure a bright young man like you could get there.'

'You say that like you've already gone and had your life,' Andy said softly.

'No, I wouldn't say that.' Thomas probably would've said that a few months ago, before Andy came into his life and actually made the underbutler look forward to getting up in the morning.

'I'm happy where I am right now, though,' Andy said with a slightly lower volume, eyes turning intent rather than playful like they'd been earlier. 'Right here, this is enough.'

Another one of those meaningful pauses that said nothing and everything came about again.

Thomas was glad he was mostly sitting in shadow, because he felt the heat rise in his face. 'W-Well, I'm glad you're finding Downton suitable-'

'-You know what I mean, Thomas. You keep thinking I'm going to pack up and move on, don't you?'

Thomas hesitated, sitting up a little straighter and setting the book down. 'People change over the years, things happen-'

'-I was already thinking of settling down with a girl before I first met you! I don't like being alone, I'm not really built for it. Not that that's the only reason I'm interested,' the footman added quickly.

'Well, alright. I'll take your word for it, because I really don't want to argue with you, not tonight.'

'No, no, I can't carry on like this!' Andy sighed, sounding exasperated as he ran his fingers through his own hair. 'L-Let's get a few things straight. You keep on looking at me like I'm about to fly away, like you'd better make the most of me while you still can. And it ain't right, Thomas, it ain't right...' 

Andy got up from the chair, Thomas budging up to make room for him as he sat down on the bed next to the underbutler. 'I want to do right by you,' Andy went on to say, 'I need you to understand that I want to be with you...' For once there was no stuttering, though Andy was blushing in the darkness, clearly having a hard time meeting Thomas' gaze. 'I-I fancied ya from the moment I saw ya... I didn't really know what do to with myself when we first met... and then you were so nice to me, and then you helped me get a job here...'

'That's what friends are for,' Thomas said with a touch of exasperation, 'and I don't expect anything in return-'

'You don't expect anything!' Andy leaned forward and nestled his chin in the crook of Thomas' shoulder, relaxing a little when Thomas reciprocated and put his arms around the footman. '....You don't expect anyone to like you and it makes you so bloody oblivious,' Andy mumbled, sounding irritated and affectionate in equal measure. 'And maybe you haven't always treated people right in the past, but I don't care, you're good and decent to me a-and you make my whole day better just by being there and you're nice, as much as you hate to admit it to anyone.'

'Andy...' Thomas murmured, touched by the other man's words.

'We're, we're good together, y'know?' the footman said, swallowing nervously. 'I... Thomas, I care about you, I don't want you thinking for a second that I don't want you. Can't you see that by now?'

Thomas pulled back slightly to look at Andy, feeling both shocked and flattered by Andy's words. '...You... want me?'

Andy laughed nervously and hurriedly looked down, cheeks as flushed as Thomas' felt. 'O-Of course I do, that's what I've been trying to tell ya!' There was a pause where neither of them said anything, which somehow threw Andy into a sudden fit of panic. 'I.... I-I'm sorry,' he gasped, eyes widening in fear, 'I came on way too strong again, I'm really sorry Thomas, it's okay if y-you don't want to do this right now-'

'Sshh, shhh, Andy, it's alright...' Thomas held Andy close to him, feeling the footman's heartbeat against his skin, the thought and sensation making it feel as though there was a fire in the pit of his stomach. Andy was real and perfect in his arms. 'Thank-you.'

Andy snorted, seemingly more composed now. 'For God's sake, there's no need to thank me, I wasn't asking for thanks. It's important to me that you know, th-that you know how I feel.'

'I want you too,' Thomas said, more to himself than to Andy. He... Wanted Andy. And Andy wanted him. Everything seemed so much more simple now. He knew that in the morning, things would become complicated again, but for now, the world was softer and gentler again, the way it was whenever he held Andy tight, whenever Andy laughed or whenever Andy asked him how his day had gone. They were little things, but to the underbutler they were like the birth of a new universe, a door that had been burst wide open.

'You want me too?' Andy's words came out like a squeak, and Thomas would've laughed if he wasn't so caught up in the revelation that yes, there was a wonderful man in his life, and yes, that same wonderful man somehow wanted to be with him as well.

'Yes,' was all Thomas said, leaning forward with full intention of kissing Andy softly on the lips.

Andy had other plans.

Andy threw his arms around Thomas the moment their lips met, kissing back with a hunger that Thomas hadn't truly known for years, hands wandering, eyes searching. Thomas closed his eyes, trying to match Andy's pace, kissing back with everything he'd got. Their mouths crashed together with vigour, and Thomas realised that yes, _yes_ , he'd been waiting for this for the longest time, waiting for somebody like Andy. The electricity Thomas felt around Andy seemed to peak, and it felt like the underbutler had just been struck with white-hot lightning, the current coursing through his veins and changing something deep in his core.

He pulled back to catch his breath, panting, nose bumping against Andy's once more. Their kisses were clumsier and less co-ordinated than what Thomas was used to, but no less wonderful, and certainly no less fun as this thing they shared progressed. Andy grinned, hair askew and lovely, something different in eyes as he said: 'I'll tell you about the postcards after.'

Thomas blew out the candle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for taking the time to read x


	5. A Token

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas finds it easier to smile, and Andy has a gift.

He was slipping in and out of consciousness, fighting to stay awake despite the blissful warmth of his bed and the comforting weight of his bedmate.

Andy's arms were around Thomas' waist, his head resting lightly on Thomas' bare chest. The footman moved up the bed to rest his forehead against Thomas' as the underbutler set down Andy's postcards, which, as promised, had been looked over after decidedly more explorative proceedings had taken place.

Thomas felt a muscle twitch in his eye from fatigue. They were now waiting in the early hours of the morning, not long before they had to get up for breakfast. Thomas looked down at Andy's mussed hair, pushing aside his own out-of-place fringe from his eyes, and realised how utterly worth it the night they'd spent together had been.

'...I'd better go back, right?'

Thomas blinked back from the brink of sleep at Andy's words, nodding slowly. 'Yeah... They can't find you in here, they'll talk...' His speech was slurring, tiredness hitting him in waves.

'I'll see you in the morn- well, later...' Andy said, quickly stifling a yawn. The footman looked tired, but not nearly as tired as Thomas felt.

Thomas yawned and hummed in response, wishing he could be more vocal but feeling himself slipping in and out of sleep once again. He smiled as Andy kissed his lips softly, wincing a little when Andy pulled away entirely, throwing back the covers and getting out of bed.

'Get some rest, Thomas,' Andy murmured, and though Thomas' eyelids were closed, he could hear the rusting of clothing. Andy was getting ready to leave. 'You look worn out.'

'And who's fault is that?' Thomas heard Andy's quiet chuckle from across the room, replaying the pleasant sound in his head as he pulled the covers back over himself, instinctively curling back up in the renewed warmth. It wasn't the same as holding Andy in his arms, but he knew they couldn't wake up together in the same bed each morning.

Well. Maybe someday. Thomas was too tired to reprimand himself for being so hopeful, so he simply smiled at the thought, mind a hazy swirl of confessions and possibilities and _Andy._ He heard Andy fumbling with the doorknob. 'Go... Dream of America...' the underbutler managed.

There was another oh-so-wonderful laugh. '...S'long as you have room to dream of me.'

Thomas knew it had been intended as a joke, but he couldn't help but nod a little to himself as Andy took his leave.

Maybe one day he wouldn't have to dream, and they would be with each other always.

~*~

Flashes of colour, sky the most brilliant blue. Automobiles. Buildings that stretched to the moon. Cocktails, social clubs, fashion, cities lighting up like Christmas trees in the night. Breakfast in the brilliant sunshine, not in the shadowy halls of Downton Abbey.

_America._

Andy.

Thomas blinked, snapping himself out of his musings and reflections on the dreams he'd had the previous night. He felt a little worse for wear physically, and tired to the bloody bone, but somehow he couldn't be happier.

'Mister Barrow?'

Thomas suppressed a sigh, setting the wine list given to him by Mister Carson aside. 'Yes?' he finally answered, feeling a little guilty that the poor hallboy might have been waiting a while to speak to him. He'd already been told he had his head in the clouds today by Mrs Hughes. He guessed he was still in shock from how close he and Andy had become in a single night. He hadn't seen much of Andy today (the side-glances at breakfast had been enough for Anna to ask if Thomas was feeling alright due to his "looking a little flushed") but it still made the heat rise in his face whenever he thought of the footman.

Resigned to his daily responsibilities, Thomas tried keeping such thoughts of Andy at bay while the hallboy told him his problem. The work of an underbutler was never done.

~*~

'You and Andy seem close, Thomas,' Anna said with a smile on her face.

The sun was setting on another day at the Abbey, and dinner for the staff was just being cleared away. Many had retired to their rooms for a while - including Andy. Thomas had tried not too look desperate or wistful as he'd watched Andy get up from the table and walk away, but decided against following the footman. Andy hadn't given him any signals to follow, and he didn't want the staff getting any ideas about what they might be up to together.

'Yes,' Thomas said, smiling and looking down at the book in his hands. 'Yes we are. I'm glad we met when we did. It's always good to have friends around you,' he added, trying to act like he knew where he was meant to stand - in the realm of the firmly platonic.

'He was asking about you today,' Anna said casually, eyes never leaving her needlework.

Thomas' head snapped up, feeling a rush of anticipation for something he didn't quite know. 'Oh, really? What about?' he enquired, trying to keep his tone calm and light. 

'Books, for some reason. He knows you like to read. I thought it was sweet of him to take such an interest.'

'Y-Yes, that's very nice of him.'

'I'm glad you two get along so well. I was worried about you when Jimmy left.'

 _Jimmy._ It still hurt to hear his name, but Thomas no longer felt that yearning, that longing like a siren's call. And he felt lighter and freer than he had in years because of it. 'I... I did miss him. I mean, I do now,' Thomas replied. '...It's a shame we didn't really keep in touch. But Andy and me, we're getting on alright.' _Better than alright,_ Thomas reckoned, and he had to suppress his smile at the thought.

He needed some air.

'I'm going out for a smoke,' the underbutler said as he got up from his chair. 'And thank-you, Anna.'

'For what, Thomas?'

'Most people don't like it when I keep company with Andy.' _Namely your husband,_ Thomas thought to himself with more than a trace of old bitterness. 'But it's nice to know someone doesn't want to get up in arms about it.'

~*~

Thomas' cigarette break was cut short by a very eager Andy two minutes after Thomas had entered the yard.

The underbutler had to admit, it felt thrilling to feel someone else close to him again, taking a little of the lead for once, pushing Thomas against the wall as they kissed desperately.

'I'm- I'm sorry I didn't ask you- to come with me-' Andy gasped in-between kisses, Thomas suppressing a shiver as Andy's hands wandered down to Thomas' lower back.

Thomas pulled back a little to catch his breath, admiring his handwork - Andy looked wonderfully debauched. 'What are you bloody apologising for?' the underbutler murmured. 'It's your room...' He pressed another searing kiss to Andy's lips. 'It's your choice when you show me it.'

The tips of Andy's ears were red again, much to Thomas' delight. With his hair out of place again, Andy looked quite simply adorable.

The way Andy's hands had just given Thomas' backside a cheeky squeeze was by no means innocent, but it _was_ incredibly tempting. 'Andy...' Thomas murmured, enraptured, not used to such attention focused on himself.

'Oh!' Andy's eyes widened with a clarity that Thomas was not clued in on as he slowly disentangled himself from the underbutler, straightening up to his full height, and Thomas really had to admire his size. The footman was tall, a quality Thomas didn't realise he was particularly looking for until now. 'I-I've got something for you,' Andy said, absentmindedly rubbing the back of his own neck.

Thomas' eyes narrowed in confusion. 'What do you mean?'

'W-Well, I was chatting to Anna this afternoon, and she said about how much you liked to read of an evening, which I knew already, b-but anyway, she said that you lost a copy of one of your favourites, and she just so happened to tell me the name of it, and it just so happens that- um, well, here...' Thomas looked down to find a book waiting in Andy's hands.

 _Oh dear lord._ It was a first edition.

'I-I don't know what to say,' Thomas managed.

'I wanted it to be a surprise, ahah... One of my brothers gave it to me when I was younger, and I've read it so many times that I know it back-to-front, and, well, someone said once that it might be valuable, and I think it would be better off in your care, Thomas.'

Thomas placed a hand on the beautiful book. ...'It's a first edition. It's extremely valuable, I can't possibly accept this-'

'-I'd rather like it if you did,' Andy said softly.

'I appreciate it - I really, really do, but this is yours, Andy. And from the looks of it, you've been taking pretty good care of it so far...'

'…Please, Thomas. I just wanted to do something for you.'

Thomas reached up and ran a hand through Andy's dark curls. 'Then how about we share it? It'll be ours.'

Andy smiled at that, and ducked his head. 'A-Alright. That could work, couldn't it?' The footman placed the book down on the fence, and Thomas took those dear hands in his own.

'Thank-you,' Thomas said, lip curling into one of his trademark smiles, instinctively trying to hide just how touched he was by Andy's gesture.

Andy grinned shyly. 'Don't mention it.'

Thomas waited a little while as he listened out for any approaching footsteps. When he heard none, he threw his arms around Andy for another kiss. Their mouths moved as one, still finetuning, still working out each other's rhythm in these early days of theirs, but having a damn good time whilst doing so. 'Now who's the soppy old man?' Thomas teased when they finally broke apart for a fashion.

Andy laughed breathlessly, eyes bright. 'I never said you were, Thomas, I never said you were.' The footman leaned down to kiss Thomas again, making a small noise in the back of his throat that sent a pleasant shiver down Thomas' spine.

When they pulled apart again, Thomas motioned for Andy to look up at the sky, and the sight did not disappoint. The stars were emerging, the brilliant lights cemented in the all-consuming, inky blackness of the night. They were scattered everywhere, and they were wild and beautiful.

'Come to the pub with me tomorrow night,' Andy murmured, fiddling with Thomas' tie. Thomas nodded, smiling in a way he hadn't for a long time - it was an easy smile, as if his happiness did not have to be earned when he was with Andy.

The world was set against them, but they too could make their own happiness.


	6. Things Unsaid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy drunkenly speaks up about how he feels, and Carson pulls Thomas into his office with some sobering news.

It hadn't really occurred to Thomas how well Andy could hold his liquor.

The answer was not very.

They'd talked about a lot of things that night - changes at Downton, music, the pictures. Their favourite topic, America, had also come up at some point, but now Andy was looking a little unsteady on his feet.

'Carson and the rest can't find you like this...' Thomas said as they walked back to the Abbey. 'Do you need some help? You could lean on me...'

'No, no... S'fine, I'm fine,' Andy murmured, blinking slowly. 'I didn't think you could, you could hold up, so well.'

Thomas smiled wryly. 'Well, I'm older than you, I've had more practice at it.'

Andy laughed drunkenly as they approached the Abbey. ' _Sooo you keep reminding me,_ ' he drawled as he rolled his eyes. 'Give it up. S-So you're old... So what? Maybe I know... What I want...' His face was red from the alcohol, long legs stumbling a little as he nearly tripped over his own feet going through the doorway.

'Sshh!' Thomas hushed the footman desperately (the sound drawing a laugh from Andy) as he helped him through the door, guiding him to the men's sleeping quarters - the underbutler was certainly thankful that everyone appeared to have gone to bed already.

Finally reaching the sanctuary of Andy's room, Thomas let go of Andy, and the footman flopped onto the bed, giggling a little to himself.

Thomas smiled at the sound, still half-worried that someone might find him in Andy's room at such a late hour, but gifted with the chance of seeing a tipsy Andy Parker mess around and be carefree. It hit him how important Andy's happiness had become - if Andy wasn't having a good time, then neither was Thomas. Shaking his head in disbelief as Andy curled up underneath the covers still fully-clothed, the underbutler turned to leave his companion in peace for the night.

'Thomas?'

Thomas smiled, exasperated and filled with a sudden rush of affection for Andy as he looked back. 'Yes, Andy?'

'You... Make me _so bloody happy._ You know that? So... Happy.' His voice seemed faraway, almost wistful. Maybe this is what Andy meant by the word "going all melancholy" on someone.

'Well, I-I aim to please,' Thomas replied, trying to keep his tone light and joking. 'But I must say... you don't sound especially happy about it.'

'Well, 'course I'm not. I can't hold hands or kiss ya, o-or do _nothin'_ with ya out in the open. Even when I love ya so...'

Andy's speech was slurred, but that didn't mean Thomas couldn't make out the words the footman had just uttered, and he felt himself grow simultaneously hot and cold, palms breaking out in a sweat, lightheadedness overtaking him. Sure, Andy was drunk and rambling-

_But love?_

Andy continued, obviously not noticing the state of utter shock Thomas was finding himself in. '...And it's, it's hard, you know? 'Cause I love ya so much. And we're supposed to be, supposed to be _young love._ All over each other... But we can't. We're scared... And those are the facts.'

'I'm glad you care about me so much, Andy,' Thomas managed to croak out, mouth feeling inexplicably dry in that moment.

'No, no, no...' Andy turned over so he had his face buried in his pillow, but Thomas could still make out the footman's muffled words. 'I love ya, Thomas. It sort of... Aches? It hurts.'

Thomas felt his own heart ache in sympathy, as if they were somehow connected. Andy really cared about him? Cared about him to the point that he could say this like it wasn't a shameful secret? The alcohol must have been helping with a lot of it, but _still..._

Thomas' lips worked to form a reply, about how deeply Andy had gotten under his skin, about how happy and privileged he felt when spending time with the young footman, but he stopped himself just in time. That would mean surrender. He couldn't... Not yet, not when he'd just become emotionally free of a certain Mister Kent.

Thomas Barrow was, quite frankly, scared to death. So he decided to keep his mouth shut on such matters for the time being.

Andy sighed, fidgeting a little. 'F-Forgotten how to get my shoes off.' 

Thomas gave a shaky sigh of his own and smiled gently, Andy's problem grounding him and bringing him back to reality - Thomas was resourceful, a professional problem-solver. This was within the realm of his comfort zone. 'Hold on, I'll help.' The underbutler pulled back the bottom of the bed covers, leaning down to untie Andy's shoes.

Andy sighed again, shifting a little to get comfortable. 'I'm sorry, Thomas...'

'No need to feel sorry, it's happened to all of us at some point. At least you didn't pass out in the middle of kissing someone,' Thomas said, laughing to himself. That little anecdote had come about courtesy of his time with Philip. It might have been the numbing effect of the alcohol, but Thomas felt less guarded when it came to discussing him in that moment.

'Thank-you,' Andy mumbled. 'You're so nice. Always so nice to me.'

Thomas kept his eyes on the task at hand, noting the tenderness in Andy's words. 'W-Well, I want to be nice to you, Andy. You... Make me nice. If only for a little while.'

'No, y-you don't need me to do that...' Andy mumbled. '...It's all you. You're nice. Y-You're sweet. Sweet as sugar, I've always thought that...'

Thomas couldn't help but laugh again at Andy's latest rambling remark, despite the hoard of butterflies currently fluttering in his stomach. 'Bitter as poison, more like,' the underbutler quipped, slowly pulling Andy's left shoe off. 'You've got the wrong idea when it comes to me and no mistake. But I'm glad you think I'm nice - really glad. L-Like I said, you make me want to be nice. Someone like you... Well, they bloody deserve people who are decent to them.'

There was a slight pause, and Thomas listened out for Andy's breathing, realising it had slowed down a little. Assuming that Andy had fallen asleep, Thomas shrugged to himself and moved onto removing the right shoe.

'Thomas?'

Thomas smiled and rolled his eyes. Still awake, evidently. 'Yes, Andy?'

'Can I have you?'

Now it was Thomas' turn to blush, startled by the bluntness of Andy's words. He fidgeted a little, the left shoe dropping from his grip by accident. 'You've... Already had me.'

'Nah, I, I didn't mean it like that. Not that I didn't enjoy the... Other having.'

Thomas blushed harder, hands stumbling over the knots he was currently trying to undo, knots in his own stomach pulling tight. 'Andy...'

Andy yawned, seemingly unaffected by Thomas’ sudden bout of embarrassment. '...I liked holding ya. It was different.'

'Well, I, I guess it was,' Thomas stammered, finally pulling the other shoe off. 'There! All done,' he announced to no-one in particular in an attempt to change the subject.

'No... But _-That'snotwhatImeant...'_ Andy slurred, turning over and curling up. 'I meant, like, to have, an' to hold...' Andy tried to gesture something with his hands, but they got caught in the sheets, much to Andy's sleepy confusion. Thomas smiled, face still red. He'd heard Andy's words, but he'd decided to focus on how perfect Andy looked then, with his curls out of place and eyes half-shut. The cautious underbutler needed time to process how much Andy had told him, and decipher if it was just the drink talking or Andy himself.

'Good night, Andy,' Thomas said, getting up from his place at the foot of the bed and running a fleeting but appreciative hand through Andy's dark hair. 'Try to sleep it off. We don't want Carson finding a hungover footman, ahah...'

Andy looked already halfway-there, eyes shut and nose wrinkling a little, and so Thomas resolved to finally take his leave. 

'Thomas?'

Thomas smiled and sighed in exasperation, standing in the doorway and looking back. '...Yeah, Andy?'

'You're pretty.'

Thomas burst into quiet laughter, shaking his head. '...And what kind of bloody drink possessed you to say that?'

'I know you don't think so... Just wanted to, to let ya know.'

The underbutler swallowed nervously, still grinning a little. 'Well, thanks for the news, I-I'll consider it carefully.'

Andy turned on his side, yawning again. 'Love ya, Thomas.'

'Sleep well, Andy.'

~*~

The next morning followed without any fanfare or winds of change, except that Thomas was starting to feel nervous again - things were going well with Andy, _so well..._ Thomas didn't want to rock the boat, and he certainly wasn't ready for any great declarations of that four-letter word that had royally fucked up his life before now. He resolved to let Andy bring up the topic of the previous night in his own time - that is, if the footman could remember it at all - and until that moment, act as if everything was normal.

Thomas knew he was scared, as hard as it was to admit it to himself, and to see Andy lay out his cards on the table with such certainty, such earnest openness, had both excited and unnerved the underbutler deeply.

'Mister Barrow, have you got a minute?' Thomas' train of thought was interrupted by an approaching Andy Parker, looking a little pale but otherwise put-together and hangover-free. _The advantages of youth,_ Thomas noted with a smirk. If Thomas was to get roaring drunk nowadays, he'd probably need at least two days to sleep it off. Not that Andy had been out of it, not entirely. He'd just been... Especially talkative. And incompetent at untying shoes, Thomas recalled with a fondness that warmed him from the inside-out.

'What is it?' Thomas asked, guiding the footman into a corner of a deserted corridor so they were ensured more privacy.

'It's... About last night,' Andy muttered, smiling nervously.

'Don't worry about it, it wasn't really a nuisance. You're quite cute when you're tipsy,' Thomas admonished, enjoying the spread of pink in Andy's cheeks, blushing a little himself.

'A-And... The things I said. You don't need to take any of it as true, you don't need to-'

'-Andy, it's alright. If you want a clean slate, you can have one. You were drunk, for God's sake,' Thomas said, chuckling slightly. 'We all say things we don't necessarily mean when we're like that.'

'So, we, um, we don't have anything strange between us?'

 _The only thing strange between us is distance,_ Thomas thought before he could stop himself. He couldn't help it - he would hate for them to drift apart after all they'd shared together already. What was this feeling? This curious need to be near Andy, to be close to him, to keep him safe? He was drawn to the footman like a moth to a flame. Thomas honestly couldn't picture his days spent at Downton Abbey without Andy's company, and that scared him a great deal more than he'd like to admit to anyone.

'No,' Thomas said with a thin-lipped smile. 'Nothing strange between us. We can... Go on as we are. Making each other happy.'

Andy grinned shyly, giving the underbutler a quick peck on the cheek. 'Thanks, Thomas.'

'Don't mention it, Andy.' _Not yet,_ Thomas thought with more than a hint of guilt. _I care about you so much, Andrew Parker, you really have no idea. But I'm sorry, I just can’t deal with this yet._

~*~

'You called for me, Mister Carson?' Thomas stood in the doorway of Carson's office, more than a little bit curious as to why he had been summoned.

'I think it would be best if you sit down, Thomas. We have much to discuss...' Carson said, looking - Worried? Apprehensive? Thomas couldn't pinpoint exactly what was on Carson's mind.

Thomas was beginning to worry.

'I'm sorry, Mister Carson,' the underbutler said as he took a seat opposite Carson's desk. 'I don't quite understand what you're saying.'

Carson huffed, brow furrowing. 'Well, if you could let me speak, then soon you will. It's about the budget.'

'The budget?'

Carson sighed. 'Yes, the budget. I'm sure you're aware that we felt able to take on another footman to help manage with the running of Downton. You, of course, suggested Andrew Parker.'

Thomas tried to move pass the lump in his throat, nodding minutely.

'And apart from slight hiccups, he's served us well and appears to have carried out his various tasks to the best of his ability. He seems to get on with the rest of the staff, and, all in all, has settled into life here rather smoothly. This is why he'll get a perfectly adequate reference when the time comes to let him go-'

'-L-Let him go, Mister Carson?'

'Yes, Mister Barrow. I know a lot of the staff here have grown fond of him, including yourself. But recent events that I've not been instructed to go into have complicated things, and they mean that we can no longer afford another footman, and, due to Andrew having the least experience at Downton, he is of course the first in line to be considered as expendable. I'm sorry.'

_...Expendable? Andy, expendable?_

Thomas felt his hands begin to shake. Andy was leaving Downton?

'I decided it would be best for me to tell you first, considering your position as his superior, and I daresay his friend,' Carson went on to say. 'I thought you would want to tell him yourself, perhaps soften the blow. He's young, and I'm sure he will be able to find positions similar to his one here. Are you - are you quite alright, Thomas?'

Thomas fought against the tell-tale stinging in his eyes, feeling the heavy weight of his position crushing him, stifling him, resigning him to the power of obligation. He felt helpless, knowing that he couldn't blatantly fight for Andy in that very moment. 'Y-Yes Mister Carson. If that's what I must do, then - that's what I must do.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	7. You Are My Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy hears the news and Thomas tries desperately to think of a way to patch things up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If any of you know me as a writer by now, you know I'm probably a little too partial to angst. Here we go...

_You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey, you'll never know dear how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away._

With the heaviest of hearts and the beginning of a monstrous headache, Thomas left Carson's office in a daze. He felt like he was taking a man's way of life from him, and in a way, he was - he was going to have to deliver news that would rip Andy's home and livelihood from underneath his feet.

There had to be another way, there had to be some sort of loophole...

...But no. _I've gone soft,_ he thought to himself ruefully. His mind wasn't thinking up a plan - it was hopelessly filled with Andy just then, how Andy would react, Andy's shock, Andy's pain, Andy's departure. The underbutler sat in the servant's hall and watched as his coworkers conversed, unaware that one of their own was about to leave them. His eyes settled on Andy despite himself. The footman was currently leant against the wall, telling a joke to Daisy. Thomas watched the way Andy's face lit up as he laughed with Daisy, and felt a strong wave of emotion course through him.

It had been good while it had lasted.

~*~

This couldn't be happening.

_This couldn't be happening._

Thomas clung on tightly to Andy as the footman buried his face in the crook of his neck.

It hurt to breathe, hurt to be. And Thomas felt responsible for it, responsible for Andy's horrible news despite not even knowing what had happened to the funds that were ensuring Andy's place at Downton, and having to break the news to the footman had been painful to say the least - it had left Thomas feeling rather sick. He thought back to just a few nights previous when Andy had held him in his bed - their bed at the time - and Thomas had felt loved and safe. They'd made a happy space for them both to be content with their places at Downton, but now it was about to be shattered irrevocably.

'What am I going to do, what am I going to do?' Andy said in a broken whisper. He'd kept a stiff upper lip for all of twenty minutes, leaving Mister Carson's office that Thomas had been allowed use of with a strained but composed exterior. Now he had returned to the privacy of his own bedroom, Andy was clinging onto Thomas as if his very life depended it. 'Th-There are barely any service jobs left, I can't cook, I'm not old enough to apply for a job like yours, I-I'm stuck, I'm trapped...'

'Ssshhh, Andy, it's alright...' Thomas stroked Andy's curls as they lay on the bed, unsure how he could make things better. For all his scheming and solving, he couldn't for the life of him figure out how Andy could stay. This wasn't a matter of honour - they hadn't been caught doing anything ungodly. He couldn't simply resign in Andy's place. _This,_ Thomas thought grimly to himself, _is about money._

And Thomas was helpless to protest against it.

'What about your brothers?' Thomas asked, trying to keep the roughness out of his voice that occurred when he was trying not to cry. He had to help Andy through this, and think of his own feelings later. The thought of Andy and what he had with the footman disappearing as if it had never happened was too much for Thomas to bear, too much for him to think about just then.

'I guess I could stay with Eddie,' Andy muttered after a while, voice cracking. Thomas could feel the wetness of tears on his jacket, but decided to let Andy keep his dignity by not mentioning it. 'We still keep in touch when we can,' Andy went on to say. 'He's not too far away, he... probably wouldn't mind me moving in. B-But he married Dorothy in the spring, they've already got a little one on the way... They wouldn't want me taking up space like that.'

'But he's family,' Thomas said, still stroking Andy's hair soothingly. 'I'm sure he wouldn't mind keeping you for a little while. It's not like you have a bad relationship with him. You could do odd jobs while looking for employment, earn your keep, a-and then they probably wouldn't mind so much. You'd get back on your feet in no time. And you wouldn't be a world away from Downton.' _A world away from me,_ he corrected himself internally, cursing himself for being so selfish, if only inside his own head.

'But who knows how long it'll take to find another job!' Andy exclaimed. 'I-I'd probably have to learn a trade, I'd probably have to work my way up through the ranks until I earned a wage that was remotely liveable on. It was going so well at Downton... I thought I was going to finally get a permanent position, finally make a life here. I just want to know what I did wrong...'

'It wasn't your fault,' Thomas said firmly. 'Not in the slightest. It's just... Bad bloody budgeting and bad fortune and mistakes with money. It happens a lot around here...' The underbutler bit his lip, feeling the lump return his throat because he was angry, _so angry_ that Downton would kick Andy out like this. It wasn't fair.

'And what about you?' Andy said, pulling back to look in Thomas' eyes, and Thomas nearly crumbled then and there because the footman's eyes were shining with unshed tears.

'This is about doing right by you, Andy, th-there's no reason to focus on-'

'-Thomas, you're shaking...'

And, lo and behold, Thomas was. He winced and looked down quickly in an attempt to avoid Andy's eyes, trying to still the incessant tremor in his hands by taking deep, steadying breaths. 'Don't worry, d-don't worry, we'll figure something out, I always figure something out...'

''You'll try to help me stay with you?'

Thomas rested his forehead against Andy's, lifting a hand and wiping away Andy's tears shakily. 'Of course I will, you daft man. I've told you before, you aren't just some same old face that comes and goes.' That particularly exuberant day in the yard seemed like such a long time ago just then.

Thomas made himself focus on the present. 'I'm sure something will turn up.' Andy made a small noise of agreement and then they were kissing, but there was no real passion, only weariness, as if they were giving up, as if only the closeness could heal the pain. Andy's lips were a little like coming home. As Thomas lost himself in it, he found that yes, the pain was less raw, less real, but he found himself aching again once Andy pulled away. If it was this bad for himself, Thomas realised that he couldn't possibly imagine how Andy must've been feeling.

It was getting dark outside, and the moon was obscured by thick cloud. Andy had laid his head on Thomas' chest, taking deep, shuddering breaths, Thomas still absentmindedly stroking the footman's hair.

'You know they can't find me in here,' Thomas said softly, breath catching the moment the words were out of his mouth. He suddenly felt angry again, angry that he couldn't even spend the night making sure Andy felt cared for and in control of what happened next, because what they had was against laws he couldn't fight.

Andy simply nodded, closing his eyes as Thomas disentangled himself from the footman. 'I'm not going to take this lying down,' Thomas said hoarsely. 'We're going to do something, we're going to make sure you're alright. I know a trade... I, I know clocks. My dad worked with clocks. We could always try teaching you that.'

Andy opened his eyes and smiled, but it was a sad smile, and his eyes were full of tears again. 'Always so nice to me... I don't deserve it.'

'Hush with that nonsense. Don't worry about it, don't worry about anything right now, we'll make things work...' Thomas chewed on his lip nervously despite himself. 'I'll see you tomorrow.'

'...Thomas?'

'Yeah?'

'...Will you stay with me? Y'know, until I fall asleep?'

And though it was really getting late at this point, Thomas Barrow had never made a habit of saying no to Andrew Parker, and probably never would.

~*~

_Boys don't cry._

Thomas sat with his head in his hands in the darkness of his own room, hearing his own father's words ringing in his ears. He'd gotten weak again, he'd given into foolishness and reckless abandon. He saw his father's harsh, bespectacled face behind his own eyelids.

Thomas felt useless - he couldn't even help out the person he cared for the most, but hadn't that always been the case?

Bringing up his father to Andy in the heat of the moment coupled with his own melancholy state had dredged up a few choice painful memories for the underbutler. He tried to stop himself from shaking, tried to rid himself of this feeling of dread. He felt like he'd gotten something horribly wrong, and everything that had transpired during and since that fateful trip to Mister Carson's office had been all his fault.

Andy was leaving.

_"I, I care about you, I don't want you thinking for a second that I don't want you."_

Thomas shuddered, feeling tears sting his eyes. Andy wanted him, Andy cared about him, loved him, even. But Thomas was too damn frightened to take that step. It felt too soon. But would it ever be soon enough?

He wiped his eyes irritably, wondering why he had to get so upset - he could still see Andy, still spend time with him. But this entire situation had brought home how fragile their relationship was, and always would be. When Thomas was young, the thought of a secret love affair had seemed rather exciting. But he was older now, and he wanted safety, stability, a life with someone. It seemed Andy wanted something similar as well. But the world was against them, always resisting their efforts to forge something real, and Thomas felt that weight settle on his shoulders heavier than ever.

He got up to strip down to his undershirt and got underneath the bed covers, massaging his temples. His headache had not abated as of yet. He had to clear his mind and stop worrying if he was going to get any sleep tonight. 

_"I liked holding ya. It was different."_

Thomas sighed, tossing and turning to get comfortable. It _had_ been different. He remembered how Andy's eyes had glittered a little in the dark, the way the footman's hands had lingered on parts of Thomas that Thomas hated about himself and lavished attention on them, cherished them through touch. And Thomas had been able to devote himself to Andy as well, feeling like there was no-one else but them in the world that night. Thomas had to admit, there was nothing really like it. He hadn't really felt that loved since his earlier days spent with Philip.

Caught between waking and dreaming, he felt Andy's arms enveloping him, a hand clasping his in the darkness. Feeling caught in the moment and also painfully aware that it wasn't real - they could never even wake up in the same bed together, for God's sake - Thomas finally allowed the tears to fall freely, and they felt cleansing, almost natural in a way they never really felt ever since his father's words all those years ago. 

_The other night dear as I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms, when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken, so I hung my head and I cried._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!


	8. Decisions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas opens up to Andy a little, and Andy gets some information from a friend.

Thomas ground the cigarette beneath his shoe in the stillness of the yard.

It had been a week since the news.

Andy stood next to him, but he could've been a million miles away with how vacant his eyes appeared to be. The young footman was paler than usual, hair stubbornly out of place despite his clear best efforts, though Thomas didn't know how to broach the subject. They hadn't spoken a word since Andy had ambled outside to stand with the underbutler that day, and Thomas felt alright to continue on that way if it was what Andy needed just then.

'...You said your father knew about clocks.'

Andy's words caught Thomas unawares, but the underbutler was an expert when it came to stopping himself just in time, rearranging his features into a neutral expression near-seamlessly. 'Yes,' he replied. 'He was a clockmaker. He did quite well out of it at one point. We lived above the shop when I was young and... I was to be his apprentice.'

'You don't talk about him much. You barely mention family at all... I never really knew you had a background with clockmaking.'

'I, I don't...' Thomas hesitated, not wanting to lie to Andy but still not happy to talk about his difficult father just then. 'I don't like to talk about him. We were never exactly the best of friends.'

Andy looked up, and his eyes seemed a little clearer in that moment. '...Oh. I-I see.'

'Same old story that you hear all the time. We just had our differences, as all. We don't speak anymore. I think we're both better off that way.'

'Did he... Know?'

Thomas laughed humourlessly at the footman's words. 'Not bloody likely, Andy. Like I'd ever tell him...! He knew something was up, though. He knew something was wrong.' He tried to still his trembling hands as he put his box of cigarettes back in his pocket, wincing as he felt the beginnings of a raindrop hit him.

'There's nothing wrong with ya-'

'-I know, I know.'

'I-I'm sorry, Thomas. I didn't know things were difficult between you two. I put my foot in my mouth, didn't I? I'll try not to pry again.'

'It's fine.'

Andy licked his lips, hair blowing a little in the wind. 'Can I have a cigarette?'

Again, Thomas hesitated, not really ever wanting to say no to the footman. 'I don't know, Andy. It's an expensive habit. I thought you didn't like them, anyway?'

'Well, yeah, but it's been a while since I first tried,' Andy said, a curious touch of defensiveness in his tone.

'Alright, but - I started when something bad happened to me. It doesn't make anything better, trust me,' Thomas tried to stress as the wind picked up, a smattering of almost-raindrops hitting his jacket.

'Alright. Alright, I won't try again.' Andy swallowed nervously. 'It was just an idea, as all. How long have I got?'

'What do you mean?'

'How long have I got left at Downton?'

'A month's notice is required, I think. So yeah, a few weeks. Of course, I don't think they'd mind if you left early if you secured another position.' Thomas found himself hoping that Andy wouldn't, that the footman would stay for the entire month, despite how selfish and guilty he felt for doing so.

'Less than month, now...'

'Well, it's still ample time to find a job, i-if you really think about it-' And once again, after all that had happened between them, Andy could still surprise Thomas.

Thomas felt Andy's lips on his, and though the world around them was cold and miserable, the footman's mouth was warm and familiar and grounding. Thomas felt arms wrap around him and so he kissed back, closing his eyes to remember the feeling of someone wanting him, someone needing him.

They had so little time before they parted.

~*~

Thomas couldn't help but feel hopeless that evening as the staff settled down to supper. He found himself with minimal appetite.

Andy hadn't appeared yet, even though his meal was getting cold.

The underbutler suppressed a wince as he heard Daisy say: 'what's wrong, Thomas?' though the sound seemed distant, as if it wasn't really there.

'It's nothing, Daisy,' he managed with a quick thin-lipped smile, 'I'm just a little tired.'

There were footsteps approaching the servant's hall, and they seemed desperate and frantic. Thomas was brought out of his worried thoughts by the sight of Andrew Parker hurrying over to him.

'Thom- M-Mister Barrow,' Andy began breathlessly, 'do you have a minute? I really need to talk to you.'

Thomas was out of his seat before he'd even told himself to do so, invigorated by how full of life Andy seemed after all of the blows he'd been dealt. Despite the shocked and curious glances he was receiving from the rest of the staff, he followed Andy without hesitation, knowing he would pay for it later but still desperate to know what was on Andy's mind.

Out in the corridor, Andy grabbed the underbutler by the shoulders, eyes bright. 'Thomas, Thomas, the most amazing thing has happened...'

Thomas laughed in surprise. 'Well spit it out, then,' he said. 'You've got me all curious now.'

'It's... It's such a good opportunity, Thomas, I can't believe this is happening-'

'-Go on, Andy. Tell me.'

Andy leaned in, still out of breath, saying one word that seemed to be loaded with so much promise, so much possibility. 'America.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading~


	9. Take Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas is left reeling by Andy's impending journey, and Andy tries to keep Thomas close to him.

Thomas blinked slowly, trying to comprehend Andy's words. '....America? You're going to America?'

Andy nodded, still smiling brightly. 'My friend who sends me postcards, we got on pretty well when we were working together. Walter, his name is. And he's found himself a steady job as a footman out in America. I thought he was only going for a little bit, like when you visited a while back. But he's got a permanent position, and they're going to need a footman for a few months, and usually they'd search in America for a lad to fill in, but Walter only went and recommended me personally!'

Thomas nodded, trying to keep the nervousness out of his smile. 'Y-Yes, anyone in their right mind would... You're good at what you do, you get on well with everyone...'

Andy pulled the underbutler into a hug, still shaking a little from excitement. 'I've wanted to go ever since I heard of the place! And now I get to work there, i-if only for a little while. I've got to start packing, I'm leaving Downton sooner than I thought I would...'

Thomas rested his head on Andy's shoulder, hugging the footman back. I-I'm so glad for you, Andy, I'm so glad. The dismissal really had us worried there for a second, didn't it?'

Andy chuckled nervously. 'Y-Yeah. I'm glad it's all sorted itself out.'

'I'm sure you'll fit in... You'll have such a good time, Andy, it'll be amazing. So many things to see...' Thomas pulled back to look in Andy's eyes, hands reaching up to cradle Andy's face.

Thomas would miss this face. _America had better take good care of this face,_ he thought to himself.

'Thank-you, Thomas...' Andy smiled again, looking away as if bashful. 'And thanks for being so lovely about this whole thing... You're so good to me. But I was getting worried about you, if I'm honest. You've seemed a little blue whenever I'm not around, Daisy keeps telling me so. You don't need to act around me, you know.'

It was Thomas' turn to look away. 'Oh, I'm alright. But I _am_ going to miss you. Just...' The underbutler bit his lip, blurting out: '...Don't you go forgetting about me all those miles away, Andrew Parker!' It was meant as a lighthearted comment, a bit of a joke, but it had come across as far more serious than he'd anticipated.

Andy's eyes snapped back up to meet Thomas', searching and sad all of a sudden. 'Thomas...'

'I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I'm happy for you, really, I am. Nothing else... Nothing else in the world would make me happier than you getting everything you've been dreaming of. You deserve it.'

'I wouldn't forget about you, Thomas, I never would...'

'I know you're not going to,' Thomas began, deeply regretting his lapse in control, 'but there's always a chance you could stay in America. You could get a permanent job-'

'-But I'd always need to come back,' Andy said matter-of-factly. 'I'd need to come back to see you when the three months are up, right?'

'You don't need to do that for me.'

'I want to,' Andy said, a touch of hurt in his gaze. 'Don't you want me to?'

'I don't want you to be distracted from your career,' Thomas said carefully, chest tightening despite himself. 'If you just stick to your guns, you could get on really well in America.' As much as it hurt him to confront it, he knew what had to be done - he had to send Andy on his way. The distance would be too much, and Andy was young, he had his whole life ahead of him... _He doesn't want to be tied down to an old man like me, even if he doesn't realise it yet,_ Thomas thought.

'There's a good chance I wouldn't get a permanent job there, anyway. I'd be alone in a new country with only my wages to my name. I'd need to come back and live with Eddie. Trust me, the months will fly by.'

'Andy... You do realise how hard this will be?'

Andy swallowed, nodding. '...Yes. But I'm ready to try.'

'This isn't like being with a woman. You don't even get to hold a man's hand in-front of people without being condemned. You don't get to just come back home from America, get down on one bloody knee and _m-marry me._ You have to be careful.' Oh lord, Thomas could feel himself blushing. He remembered the night Andy had come back to the Abbey drunk. _To have and to hold..._ Thomas shook his head at such a thought.

'I _do_ know you're a man, in case you haven't noticed,' Andy said with a raised eyebrow, arms slipping around Thomas’ waist. ‘Are you saying you aren’t going to give this a try? W-We were doing so well together...

'You still have plenty of time to settle down with a nice girl-'

Andy shook his head, the corners of his mouth pulling down into a frown. '...Thomas, that's not how it works. Please don't say things like that.'

Thomas shook his head. 'Let's not talk about this. Not now. I'm happy for you, you're moving up in the world, and we both know this is important to you. I mean, thank God the news arrived when it did...! I really hope you go for it.' He kissed Andy softly on the lips. 'Now go have supper, I'd just finished mine when you came looking for me,' he lied quickly, slowly stepping out of Andy's reach and heading down the corridor to the male living quarters.

'Thomas...' Andy said, a strange tremor in his voice. Thomas made the mistake of looking back, heart instantly dropping into the pit of his stomach when he saw Andy growing paler, the footman biting down on his own lip. 'Is this over? Is this all over now?'

Thomas steeled himself, feeling rather sick, unable to do anything but nod. Andy's eyes widened, 'But-'

'-It's not your fault, please don't go thinking it's your fault...'

Andy gasped, putting his head in his hands for a brief moment. 'That's not the bloody problem! I don't want this to end, I don't want it to end like this. Thomas, you know how I feel about you. I might've been drunk, but I remember what I said...' There was a firm look in his eyes as they met Thomas' again. 'Do you?'

Thomas shook his head, a dull fear running through him with the constant mantra of _not yet not yet_ ringing in his ears. He was feeling the beginnings of another headache establishing itself. 'Go to supper, Andy. I'm so sorry you got caught up in all this.' And with that, Thomas left.

_You don't deserve him._

~*~

Thomas shut the book in his hands when there was a knock at his bedroom door that evening. He sighed, headache still irritating him.

'Come in,' the underbutler said, feeling rather weary of running away from his emotions at this point. He was drained. Bitter. Burnt-out. _Exactly why Andy shouldn't pursue me,_ he thought with a heavy sigh.

Andy walked in dressed in his pyjamas, hair out-of-place. 'Thomas.'

Thomas raised an eyebrow, trying to sound cool and detached. 'Andy. To what do I owe the pleasure?'

'I want to talk to you.'

Thomas winced, discarding his various masks for the moment. 'A-Alright, alright, I guess I _have_ been acting bloody weird around ya.'

Andy smiled a little despite his determined disposition. 'Exactly.' Thomas budged up to made room for the footman on the bed, and Andy sat down next to him, shoulders brushing against each others'. 'I want to know why,' Andy said. 'And I think it's a pretty reasonable question, so please don't try to avoid it anymore.'

Thomas licked his lips nervously. '...I just don't want to hold you back from doing things. I don't want to be the the thing that stops you from getting what you want... You have the right to a life, Andy.'

'You're right,' Andy said, blushing. 'I do. I have the right to a life where I choose the things I want. A-And I want you to be part of it. I don't want a life without you in it, you mean too much to me now.'

'You don't know what you want.'

'I keep telling you and telling you, I bloody well do. All the answers to what I want are right there if you'd only listen to what I've got to say.'

'It's something that comes with age. I used to wish for a lot of things...'

'So you're not allowed to have dreams when you get to your age?' 

'I... I try not to.' The underbutler resisted the urge to squirm under Andy's gaze, noticing the sad look in Andy's eyes. He didn't want Andy's pity. 'It's best to focus on the things I've already got.'

'Well, yes, but dreaming's important too. If...' Andy coughed awkwardly. 'Say if, say if I didn't let myself want to go to America, and an opportunity just rolled up, y-y'know, out of nowhere... Then I guess I'd start making excuses to wriggle out of it. I'd say I couldn't handle such a long trip. I'd say I'd miss my family too much while I was away, I'd say the job wasn't a right fit for me.'

'...Well. Yes. But I don't quite see where you're going with this.'

'You're smart, I know you are. I know you understand where I'm going with this.' Andy sighed and wrapped his arms around Thomas as best he could from the angle he was at, resting his head against Thomas' shoulder. 'I'm here. You don't have to make excuses. If you want me... H-Have me. S'that simple.'

Thomas blushed, looking away quickly, though he didn't shove Andy away from him. He'd miss Andy's closeness, his warmth. 'You can do better, Andy. To this day I still don't know why you kissed me when we were playing cards that one time. But I'm glad. You make me happy.'

'Then let me keep making you happy. Be... Um, be with me.'

Thomas smiled a little, shaking his head. 'I haven't even taken you out properly.'

'We can do that! Take me out one time, or I-I'll take you...' Andy said, eagerness clear in his voice, and Thomas felt a near-overwhelming rush of affection for the footman. Thomas could recognise it, that hope to make memories with someone close to you. Andy was actually _proud_. Proud of Thomas, proud of this thing they shared. Andy wanted to be seen with Thomas, wanted to belong to him, wanted kisses and promises and gentle touches and romance. Thomas found himself feeling the same way about Andy, even though he'd buried all those "silly" urges long ago. Sometimes simply being near Andy made Thomas feel weak at the knees.

'People around here say you like to dance...' Andy went on to say, and Thomas could practically _hear_ the footman's blush. 'We could dance, you could teach me how, there's got to be a place in America that'll let two men dance properly together-'

'-Wait a minute. America? Andy, I'm glad you want to go, but it's not like _I'm_ going-'

'-And why not?'

'Because...' Thomas laughed nervously. 'Because it's preposterous, that's why. I can't get to America. Why would I be going to America?'

'Well, I was sort of hoping...' Andy murmured, leaning in, eyes on Thomas' lips. 'I was sort of hoping that you'd come with me.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading xx


	10. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy and Thomas get more intimate, and Thomas finally feels ready to tell Andy about his time in the trenches.

'We could be happy.'

Thomas smiled at Andy's words, both of them a mess of tangled limbs on the bed, wrapped up in each other's arms. They'd been doing this for a few nights now - a few hours of holding each other, no sleeping, no lovemaking, not even many kisses. Thomas felt fear creep up on him at night, the stresses of his everyday routine piling up with added pressure caused by an impending visit from a Lord.

Andy was also getting restless - he was to leave Downton in two days, and the thought of such an unfamiliar voyage was clearly taking its toll on him despite his willingness to see America. He was frightened, that much was evident, but he was also longing to get on with his fresh start.

They kept each other calm the only way they knew how, which was together.

Thomas sighed and nuzzled Andy's neck, making Andy shiver and laugh quietly. '...I keep telling ya, I can't go,' the underbutler said, though the sadness surrounding the words didn't come for some reason. He was enjoying it in his own way, he supposed, enjoying that there was even the slightest chance that they might be able to run away from Downton and start a new life together.

'And I keep telling you that you can,' Andy replied easily. 'Sure, it might be hard, but I'll still be getting wages. If you stay on here for a little while longer, y'know, i-if you get your reference, I think you'd have a good chance of being hired, even if it was for something completely different. You're... You're amazing, Thomas. You could be anything.'

Thomas marvelled at the wonder in Andy's voice, but remained firm nevertheless. 'But... I've been here so long. This is all I know now. Remember, I might yet make butler. It's a highly-respected position.'

'...Y-Yeah. And that would be great if it actually made you happy.'

'They'd all respect me a little more.'

'And since when did that mean you were happy?'

Thomas shook his head, smiling against Andy's skin. 'Mmh, you talk too much sense for your own good sometimes.'

'See?' Thomas could practically hear Andy's smug smile. 'I'm right. You know I'm right.'

'Oh, Andy. You're going to love America...'

'...Hmm. I hope so.'

'You be safe over there, alright? Don't get into too much trouble...'

'Says you. I bet you have some stories to tell, and the ones that I _have_ heard, well...'

The underbutler chuckled, face heating up in the dark. 'Watch it, you. If only the others could hear the way you talk to me when we're alone...' _But truthfully I like the way you talk to me,_ Thomas thought to himself. _I like it a lot._

Thomas' heart momentarily stopped beating in his chest when Andy sighed and uttered: 'I love you, y'know.'

Thomas heard the hooting of an owl outside in the silence that followed, the ambient peace of the countryside permeating the Abbey's walls - but nowadays it was so goddamn quiet, too quiet for Thomas' liking.

Ah, there it was again, that loaded word. Love.

Thomas licked his lips, suddenly finding them very dry. 'I know you do, Andy. And it's more than I could ever ask for.'

'Well... L-Love just happens.' A decidedly tense Andy fidgeted in the bed, sighing again. 'It grows and it grows. You don't ask for it, a-and I don't ask for it either...'

Thomas reached over for Andy's hand, kissing the palm of it with as much tenderness as he could muster, trying to convey everything he felt. When it came to Andy, it felt like there were no words perfect enough to describe what Thomas was feeling - such depth of emotion had been building up over time into something that was goddamn terrifying, wild and untameable, but still undeniably real. And there was a certain sweetness to it too, something Thomas rarely felt towards any other human being. When the underbutler pulled away, he found that the sudden tenseness in Andy's shoulders had relaxed.

'I've been hurt before,' Thomas whispered. 'It's hard for me to, to lose control.'

He felt Andy begin to stroke his hair, something no-one had really done for him before. The underbutler closed his eyes, trying to savour the feeling, lock it away in his head so he could remember it always.

'I know you have,' Andy murmured, 'and I know it can be hard. B-Being honest is pretty draining.'

Thomas felt a pang of guilt - from that very first night when they'd kissed over a card game, Andy had tried his hardest to be honest. Thomas hadn't really lied to him per se, but he hadn't exactly been very upfront with the footman. Andy was always so honest. Sweet Andy, kind Andy, sincere Andy who wore his heart on his sleeve and somehow thought the world of Thomas bloody Barrow.

Thomas felt sweat break out on his palms. That was all about to change.

'Thomas, what are you doing-?' Andy asked as Thomas disentangled himself from Andy, the underbutler clearly struggling with something.

'-Just trying to get this bloody glove off-' Thomas replied through gritted teeth, nervousness dragging out the process.

'Y-Your glove? The one for your war wound?'

Thomas smiled grimly. 'I knew word would get around. Yes. That one.'

'...Why?'

Thomas took a deep breath. 'Because... I want to be honest with you, Andy. I-I want to be honest about what happened in the trenches.'

Andy nodded as Thomas extended his wounded hand, shaking from nerves.

Andy hesitated, before taking the hand gently in his own. '....The trenches?'

'I-I was a medic,' Thomas said. 'But... But I was there for longer than some of the others, I-I signed up, thinking it would be easier that way like the fool I was. But nothing was easy about that war, nothing.'

Andy nodded solemnly in response. '...I'd heard some rumours, truth be told. And you never took it off, even when we... Even when-' Andy ducked his head.

Thomas bit his lip, heart starting to pound in his chest. 'That's not the worst part, not by far-' he gulped, starting to pant a little from the stress of having such a heavy weight in him readdressed, feeling sweat break out on his forehead. Andy made a noise of worry, reaching out to him, but Thomas flinched away instinctively, hand slipping from the footman's loose grip. 'N-No, no, Andy. I've never told anyone what happened the night I was injured, but you deserve the truth from me. Y-You've been so kind... And patient. It's time I delivered, I suppose. I need to finish this, it's important to me. And after that... W-Well, you can make your own judgements.'

Andy gulped and nodded again, moving away from the underbutler. 'Go on then... I think I can tell from the way you're acting that I need to know about this. You can tell me, Thomas.'

'...The nights, the nights were so hard in the trenches, and I felt like I'd seen too much of them. Th-The noise never seemed to really stop. S-So, so one night, I...'

The rest that followed was a blur. He was vaguely aware of tears rolling down his face, but he didn't bother to wipe them away, the story burning to finally be told, eyes never leaving what he could see of Andy's face in the darkness.

He felt like he'd broken something sacred between them, but it had been on his mind ever since they'd begun this thing of theirs. Andy believed he was so brilliant, and he had to do something to show him that no, sometimes he didn't do the right thing.

There was a heavy silence when Thomas had finally finished. He cleared his throat, wiping his eyes quickly with the back of his uninjured hand. 'I- I completely understand if you want to leave-' he managed, but before he could say anything else, Andy had took him into his arms and Thomas slumped against his chest, breathing in Andy's scent, fatigue hitting him in waves.

'Andy, I...'

'Y-You did what you had to do. Just... Thank-you.'


	11. Last Dance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas finally dances with his footman, but Andy still needs to issue an ultimatum before his impending departure.

Thomas felt Andy's hand squeeze his own underneath the table, before the footman promptly pulled away to chat to Daisy.

Thomas smiled a little at Andy's gesture of affection, head still aching from tiredness and tears. But his mind felt a little clearer, and he found the beginnings of a joy not quite realised yet bubbling up. Andy still felt the same (Andy had said so last night in-between fatigued, comforting kisses), and he realised that it was time to stop running away from this - he'd never forgive himself if he didn't tell Andy how he felt before the footman's departure.

But even after everything that had happened, Thomas was still stalling himself. In terms of theory, it would be so easy to pull Andy aside before they had to go up to serve the family and tell him - despite Mister Carson's clear annoyance at the pair's recent string of corridor rendezvous - but Thomas kept growing nervous again, felt that same strange dread in this pit of his stomach that it would somehow make things worse between them.

Andy loved Thomas - that much was apparent to the underbutler. But Thomas found himself at a loss for words when it came to Andy, as if what they had was too pure and fragile to be frankly spoken abut.

He heard Andy and Daisy talking, Daisy still shocked by Andy's impending new start. 'Please try to write to us when you can...' she said.

'Of course I will,' the footman assured her. 'I want to know how you're all doing after I leave.'

'Well, I still can't believe it,' she said. 'It's all happened so suddenly... You'll be leaving the day after tomorrow for a different country and we've hardly had a chance to send you off properly!'

Andy laughed shyly, rubbing the back of his neck. 'You don't need to go to so much trouble for me... But it's really nice to know that I've had friends here. You all took me on and were so kind to me right from the start. And I won't forget it.' He smiled that genuine smile of his, and Thomas could feel the room lighting up with such a lovely sight.

'We'll miss you...' Daisy said. 'I hope you'll be alright, all the way over in America. I was thinking the other night, what a coincidence that you'd get offered a job there - you talked to Thomas all the time about America when you first got here.'

Andy nodded, looking over at Thomas with another smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. 'It only made me want to see America more, didn't it, Mister Barrow?'

Thomas nodded back, feeling himself knocked a little breathless whenever he felt Andy's gaze on him. The underbutler ran his fingers through his own hair, remembering how Andy's curls felt underneath his touch.

Andy was right. Thomas had been here for so long, he'd forgotten what it was like to take chances, to trust someone else with his secrets. He'd forgotten what it was like to hold someone close without the fear of that someone doublecrossing him. He'd sworn never to do this again, but Andy... Yes, Andy was different. He hadn’t blown into town like a hurricane, fleeting and devastating - he'd simply walked into Thomas' life, as if it was all part of the journey, as if it had always been this way. He'd found himself at Downton Abbey, smiled with that undeniable charm of his and took Thomas' hand in his own, guiding Thomas to new ways of happiness, not demanding anything of the underbutler, not asking for his reciprocation.

_He could be the one._

Thomas bit his lip, pushing his bowl of porridge aside. He felt the lump in his throat return - Andy had opened a dam of emotion he'd tried to keep under wraps for the past few years. And he remembered this feeling, and he supposed he'd known for a while what the name of this feeling was.

He was still so scared, so amazingly, ridiculously scared... No matter how many times he told himself that _boys don't cry,_ that he had to be a "man" about this, he ended up thinking about all of his shortcomings. Andy deserved someone as brave as he'd been with Thomas, someone ready to tell the footman just how much he meant to him.

But no... Thomas couldn't go down that road again. He could feel Andy's worried eyes trying to catch his own, and he knew then that he had to do something.

~*~

'I'm going to step on your toes, Thomas...'

'Oh, shush, you,' Thomas laughed as he gripped onto Andy, trying to guide them into some sort of recognisable rhythm. 'You're fine, you're doing just fine.'

'I don't think I'm getting the hang of it yet,' Andy said. 'I'm sorry about this, Thomas. I'm not exactly a natural, am I?'

The pair had been waltzing - or trying to waltz, in Andy's case - across Thomas' bedroom floor for some time now, both stripped to their undershirts. Thomas laughed again, enjoying being able to hold Andy like this. It was intimate, free of watchful eyes to judge them. It didn't matter if they stumbled or fell down; this time belonged to them and them alone.

'You're so good at this,' Andy said, sighing a little. He stumbled again, almost falling over, much to Thomas' amusement.

'Have I got you swooning already, Mister Parker?' Thomas said, raising an eyebrow.

Andy pulled back in time to give Thomas a quick shove. 'Not bloody likely,' he replied, grinning as he reassumed the waltzing position. 'I'm just awful at this... Not that you seem to mind, Mister Barrow.'

'I'm sure you'll get the hang of it,' Thomas said easily. 'Have a little faith. We should probably try not to fall over, though. People will hear.'

'You're worried about them walking in on us dancing?' Andy said, shaking his head and smiling. '...Unbelievable. And you didn't say a word about any of this when we were doing something _actually_ incriminating.'

'...I thought it would spoil the mood,' Thomas said, trying to keep his tone cool, but his face was red and Andy knew it. 'Just thinking about someone walking in and us having to make up some sort of excuse... Can't imagine anything worse.'

'You definitely think too much sometimes,' the footman said, gently taking hold of Thomas and spinning him around in a slow circle. '...And I think I should lead. We seem to be pretty steady when I'm holding you up, don't we?'

Thomas shook head mock-seriously. 'Absolutely not, Andrew. I'm the experienced one.'

'You sure?' Andy clumsily rearranged them so they were in a position resembling the waltz once again, leaning forward and dipping the underbutler.

Thomas stifled his gasp, feeling the full heat of Andy's gaze. He couldn't help himself - he leant up to kiss the footman softly on the lips, enjoying the sight of Andy's eyelids fluttering shut at the sensation. Thomas pulled back and smirked. 'Not bad. Certainly an improvement.'

His moment of smugness was cut short by Andy's hands faltering - probably due to nerves, not that Thomas could ever get Andy to admit to it - and catching him just in time. Thomas laughed in shock, helping Andy pull him back up so they could take another good look at each other.

'Well, I aim to please,' Andy said, mirroring Thomas' words from that drunken night.

Something in the air changed. The underbutler hesitated, taking a slight leap of faith. 'You... Remember?'

Andy shrugged shyly, though there was a tinge of something that Thomas couldn't decipher just then in the footman's eyes. 'Yeah. Pretty much everything, I'd reckon. God, I made such a bloody fool of myself that night...'

'You didn't,' Thomas said softly.

'I got shot down, Thomas. Plain and simple.' Andy smiled sadly. 'I understand why, but it was still sort of embarrassing, even if I can blame it on the drink.' 

'I... I didn't mean to shoot you down. That was never my real intention. I just-'

'-No, Thomas. You didn't need to explain yourself, y'know. But... All your constant warnings that you're...' Andy swallowed nervously. '...That you're not good for me d-did actually get me thinking.'

'...Andy-?'

'-Because you told me that you've been here for a long time, and that much I know. You'd be throwing your whole life's work away if you were to up sticks and m-move away with me.'

'-Andy, could I just-?'

'-N-No, I'm sorry but this is important to me and it really needs to be said, alright?' Andy let go of Thomas completely, all of the playfulness gone out of his tone. 'I love you. I love you so much. Every day it seems to grow wors- b-better- oh, I don't even know anymore, but I bloody love you Thomas and I want to make you happy like you wouldn't believe.'

Thomas felt his heart jump in his chest, but he didn't say anything, heeding Andy's pleas for the underbutler to listen and motioning for Andy to continue.

Andy cleared his throat awkwardly. '...And if making you happy means not pressuring you to come to America with me and letting you focus on your career-' Andy's bottom lip trembled for a moment - a sight that made Thomas' heart clench painfully - but the lad held firm. '-th-then I'll do it. I'll do whatever it takes.'

'...Andy, please...'

'No, let me finish! You were right. You're older than me, you've seen so much, been through so bloody much... I try so hard to understand you, but I can get how tiring that could be for you. I'm younger, I'm inexperienced, I don't take calculated risks, I go too far, I always go too far. Every time I tell you how I feel you run away... And I don't want you to have to keep on running away from me. It h-hurts both of us.'

Thomas bit down hard on his bottom lip. Andy's eyes were glistening with unshed tears. 'Andy...'

S-So I'll say it again,' Andy said, quickly wiping his eyes. 'I-If you want me, have me. But I'm going soon. I didn't want to pressure you, but y-you and me, we're running out of time. I can't leave this place without knowing what this was and what it could be... I need to know whether to keep going and never look back, otherwise I'll always be looking back, b-because-' Andy out his hand over his mouth as a sob escaped him. After a slight pause, he regained some of his composure and continued. '...Because, well, you mean m-more to me than words can say and I won't ever want to let you go - a-and I know you don't want that.'

Thomas bit his lip, telltale stinging in his eyes starting off despite his best efforts to work past it. 'Andy, I'm sorry, I just-'

Andy sighed in a way that made the rest of the words die in Thomas' throat, leaning over and kissing the underbutler's cheek. 'Just... Let me know, Thomas. Before I have to go.'

Thomas heard Andy leave, and so the underbutler sat on his bed with his face in his hands, heart hurting, eyes wet, mind filled with confusing thoughts.

_I've ruined it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!


	12. Healing the Pieces

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> '-I love you.'

He saw Andy's treasured postcards whenever he closed his eyes.

Thomas sighed, shaking his head. The promise of adventure and an eventual new life with Andy by his side was a tempting one, and certainly more than he ever could've hoped for, but it was still such a lot to take in. Life at Downton was mostly tedious, but it was dependable, logical, safe. He'd finally been given hard-won power. He was the underbutler of the Abbey, he was needed, he was important.

_But what for?_

It seemed like Andy needed him, _all_ of him, not just for what skills the underbutler brought to his job. And lord knew that Thomas needed Andy, that bright young man who was so full of life. Hell, Andy was the one who was getting him to question his current situation in the first place.

Thomas just felt so _old_ sometimes, not to mention extremely tired. But now the footman was in his life, holding him close and telling the underbutler his dreams, Thomas supposed it could be because he was tired of Downton, tired of getting the short end of the stick, tired of putting away his feelings into a little box of memories and keeping it tightly shut.

He didn't feel like himself anymore. Andy made him want to be a better man, a more honest man. Most of all, Andy made himself feel better about being Thomas Barrow, even when the man himself felt detached from such a notion. Thomas wouldn't know what to do if he found himself alone again.

He was... Devoted to Andy.

He... Cared about Andy.

Thomas stopped in the middle of getting dressed for the morning, letting a tiny gasp escape him. It was effort even to admit it to himself.

 _I love Andy Parker._ A quiet, high-pitched laugh of shock escaped the underbutler as he tugged on his waistcoat. He was in love. Goddamnit, _he was in love._ After all this time, it seemed that the underbutler was still capable of such a thing. And it hurt to be away from Andy, and everything felt right when the footman was in his arms, and he didn't want to go a single day without seeing at least a glimpse of Andy’s face… Thomas laughed again, blushing furiously, feeling like he should slap himself for being such a soppy old man.

But he didn't, because panic was currently overtaking him once again, making him lightheaded with fear. He bit down on his lip as he made the last few adjustments to his uniform, feeling dread in the pit of his stomach.

Andy would be leaving tomorrow morning.

Thomas would have to close his eyes, take a deep breath and venture into the unknown.

~*~

Thomas didn't see Andy that morning - apparently the footman was still packing and preparing for the journey ahead of him. Thomas was glad he wasn't the only one looking disappointed at not seeing Andy, otherwise he might have seemed too out-of-place.

'I hope we'll get to say goodbye,' Daisy said with a sigh, and a few people nodded in silent agreement. Andy got on fairly well with everyone else despite his continued association with Thomas. Thomas almost smiled at that. Andy was easy to grow fond of, and the underbutler was a living testament to that fact.

Andy would get on well in America. Thomas just hoped the footman wouldn't be as naive as he was in London.

The thought of someone swindling Andy made Thomas' blood boil, though he was forcibly taken out of his reverie by Mister Carson announcing that it was time for everyone to begin their day of work.

~*~

The underbutler's heart was pounding in his chest as he hurried towards to the male sleeping quarters, wondering if Andy would still be around. Was the footman still packing? Or was he outside? What if he had somehow already left?

Thomas stopped just short of breaking into a run when someone stopped him in the corridor.

'Thomas?'

 _Bates._ Thomas bit back his noise of frustration and fought to keep his expression cool and uninterested, but he could still hear his own heart beating away in his ears. '....Yes?'

'You're meant to be going through the lists of essentials for the visitors' arrival.'

'I thought that task was Mister Carson's burden to bear today,' Thomas said through gritted teeth.

'Mrs Hughes told Mister Carson to stop taking on so much work for himself, as per usual - so at least half of the things on that list will be for you to carry out.'

'Alright, that should be _perfectly fine,_ now if I could just-'

-Leave him be, Thomas... People get hurt. Haven't you learned from the last time?'

Thomas felt the heat rush to his face, but he regained his composure in damn near record-time. He knew Bates probably felt the need to protect the young footman from unwanted advances, but it still didn't detract from the fact that it was a low blow for Bates to mention Jimmy in that moment. Things were different this time around - Thomas could feel it.

'I merely have some cards to return to Andrew,' Thomas managed.

'...Playing cards?'

'Yes, playing cards,' Thomas lied easily, though vibrant postcards flashed by in his mind's eye.

'Alright. He's leaving soon, anyway.'

Thomas swallowed nervously, nodding a little. 'Yes, yes he is. Step aside, Bates. I don't need permission to return an item to a former footman of the Abbey... This has nothing to do with you.'

Bates frowned, but finally stepped aside, much to Thomas' relief. As Bates walked away, Thomas went to head for Andy's room, words that would soon no longer be unsaid swirling like a fire in his belly.

'Mister Barrow?'

Thomas rolled his eyes before turning back around, groaning internally. Now a hallboy required his services.

He only hoped he could eventually get to Andy in time.

~*~

Thomas sat up that night with a cigarette, watching the last of the staff file out of the servant's hall. He'd needed a smoke to calm his nerves.

He guessed Andy would be asleep by now, and part of him didn't want to wake the footman, especially with the long journey Andy had ahead of him, but it simply couldn't wait any longer. The thought of Andy in pain because Thomas couldn't admit his feelings was hardly bearable. Thomas remembered the harsh sting of unrequited love - he didn't want Andy to have to suffer through it, especially when it was all unnecessary.

This could still change the whole of Thomas' life. He'd been making and breaking intricate plans in his head all day, only now having shaken yet another headache, but in the end he suspected it would be the simplest plan that would see them through. He wanted to make this work so badly that it was like a constant dull pain, a strange, insatiable hunger to get out into the world and get the wheels of his thoughts turning. The underbutler shivered a little, listening to the patter of rain outside, the sound having always calmed him ever since he was a young lad.

Now there was only one thing left to do.

As if waking from a dream, Thomas stubbed out his cigarette and got to his feet, his shoes barely making a sound as he walked through the Abbey to the corridor he'd tried to go through just a few hours earlier.

~*~

It was dark in Andy's bedroom. The underbutler hesitated a little as he stepped inside, eyes falling on the silhouette of a sleeping Andy.

Thomas had to admit, he would miss such a sight - he'd sat up and read with Andy in that bed, held Andy close to him in the early hours of the morning in that bed. But hopefully he wouldn't be around Downton long enough for the footman's absence to upset him too much.

 _Maybe I shouldn't be doing this,_ Thomas thought desperately, _maybe we might get a few minutes alone together tomorrow so I can-_

'Thomas?'

The underbutler jumped a little at Andy's sleepy voice penetrating the silence.

'...Andy?' Thomas whispered, smoothing out his uniform nervously.

'...Thomas? Mmnh, What are you doing in here so late?' Andy asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

Thomas cleared his throat awkwardly. 'A-Andy... I-I-'

'...Come 'ere.'

Thomas narrowed his eyes in confusion. 'Andy, please, I just need to-'

'Come 'ere, Thomas.' Andy laughed quietly, eyes still half-shut from tiredness. 'I-I want you over here.'

Thomas felt warmth spread through his body at Andy's words, and so he took a deep breath and closed the door, blinking in the sudden redoubled darkness of the bedroom. The underbutler's hands shook as he stripped down to his underclothes. There was a moment of deliberation before he took his glove off. He'd had enough of hiding things from the one who mattered most to him. He tried to calm his breathing, stumbling a little as he climbed into the bed. It felt slightly awkward at first, but then Andy pulled him close and he felt the footman's heartbeat against his skin and yes, _yes,_ this was where he was meant to be.

Suddenly everything seemed so simple.

The world was softer again.

'I was worried that I'd scared you away for good,' Andy whispered in the gloom, as if admitting one of his darkest secrets.

'Never,' Thomas reassured him with a quick but reverent kiss to Andy's collarbone. 'I have something to tell you, s-something I should've told you a while back.'

Andy gave a stuttering breath. 'Wh-What is it? Honestly, you don't have to say anything you don't want-'

'-I love you,' Thomas said, and the thing that had been blooming in his chest ever since that very first kiss seemed to spread out until it was beyond his body, beyond Downton, beyond anything he'd ever known. An immeasurable weight had just been lifted off his shoulders, and he felt the fires of liberation and pure, unguarded joy overwhelm him. He closed his eyes and shakily lay his head against Andy again, dizzy even though he was lying down.

_The things you do to me, Andy..._

Thomas realised there'd been a silence after his confession, and normally he'd have been worried about something like this, but he saw his opportunity and he seized it like there was no tomorrow. 'I've been such a fool... I, I want to be with you, Andy, I want to make you happy the way you make me happy, I want us to start fresh somewhere new, I'm tired of being held back by this place, I'm tired of hiding the way I feel, I-I'm just so bloody tired of feeling like I'm going to lose you... I want you to take my savings-'

'-Th-Thomas, I couldn't possibly-'

'-No, listen! You take my savings,' Thomas said, licking his lips nervously, 'a-and set us up somewhere nice with 'em, wherever you want as long as we can afford it, and you use your wages, a-and if you can please, _please_ wait for me, I'll stay on here in this wretched place, I'll get my reference, and then if y-'

'-Thomas, Thomas!' Andy's laugh was quiet and shocked. He sounded about as breathless as Thomas felt. 'Slow down.... Thomas, y-you already make me happy... I don't f-feel quite right about taking your savings with me, but I know you're, well, you're the stubborn type, aren't you?' Andy sniffed a little, and Thomas guessed that Andy was crying, but didn't say anything, having a hard time holding back the tears himself. Thomas felt that he had cried enough these past few days...

Andy sniffed again, the footman's voice wavering a little as he urged: 'come here, come here!' Thomas bit his lip and shifted up the bed so he was facing Andy.

Andy gave a small sob, and yes, the footman was definitely crying, his cheeks wet as Thomas moved to cradle Andy's face with his hands.

'You're so handsome,' Thomas said, internally rejoicing that he'd finally worked up the courage to say all the things he should've said before.

Andy gave a watery laugh. 'You- You can't even bloody see me with how dark it is!'

'Hmm, w-well, I've always thought so. One in a million.'

Andy ducked his head, smiling through his tears. 'I love you so much.'

'I-I love you too. I don't want to hide that from you anymore...' Thomas bit down on his bottom lip, still trying to stop himself from weeping.

'W-We'll be alright, you and me.'

'...We'll be fantastic.' Thomas' brain temporarily stopped all coherent trains of thought when Andy broke free of the underbutler's gentle hold to kiss him, arms wrapping around him tightly.

Thomas gave a little sigh of relief as he kissed back, eyes slipping shut. Andy's lips were more than passion and fun, they were home, they were safety.

'I have to ask...' Andy said as he pulled back, hair out of place in the way that Thomas so adored, a little out breath. '...What would you h-have done if you didn't tell me all of this?'

'W-Well...' Thomas finally paused for thought as the footman hastily wiped away his own tears with the back of his hand. '...I would've stayed at Downton, I suppose. Life, well, life would've remained much the same. And I would've been fitting for the position of butler.' Thomas' face split into a sudden grin. 'How absolutely fucking boring.' Andy laughed again and threw his arms around Thomas for another searing kiss, until they were a happy blur of hands and lips and gentle touches. It was only when Thomas felt Andy’s mouth sucking hungrily at the underbutler's neck when things were shifted onto a decidedly different plane.

Thomas smiled as he felt himself be pushed back onto the bed, feeling the warm weight of Andy on top of him, and he felt more at home than he had ever felt in his years spent at Downton.


	13. First Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A morning mishap gives Thomas some time to spend with Andy before the footman leaves, and Thomas has made his mind up about just where he belongs.

Thomas woke up to the sight of a very dishevelled and very naked Andy.

The underbutler yawned quietly, watching the muscles in Andy's back tense and relax as the footman slept, rays of light streaming in from a gap in the curtains.

Thomas curled up against Andy once more, shuffling across so they could share body heat, enjoying the feeling and sound of Andy's breathing. The footman was real and alive and achingly perfect. The moment of peace the underbutler was experiencing felt like it would stretch on forever. He remembered the events of last night - telling Andy how much he meant to him, warm lips pressed against his neck, the comforting weight of somebody holding him tightly.

He nuzzled the small cluster of freckles on Andy's back, feeling Andy shiver and wake from his slumber. Everything was perfec-

-It was morning.

Thomas grunted in realisation and sat up as Andy did the same, though the footman did it considerably slower, still blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

'...Andy,' Thomas began, trying his hardest not to panic, 'I fell asleep, I've got to get back to my room, do you know what time it is?'

'Mnh, how would I know, Thomas? Calm down... I've only just woke up...' Andy reasoned with a tired half-smile, turning back to look at the underbutler.

'I'll get my pocketwatch, I-I think I left it on the floor last night...' Thomas motioned to get out of the bed, but he felt Andy's hand reach out to grip his wrist. 'Andy-?'

'-J-Just wait a second. I never really get to see you. Y'know, in the daylight and all that...'

'Don't be daft - you've seen me every day,' Thomas said, frowning in confusion. 'What do you mean?'

'...Not like this.' Thomas blinked, blushing when he realised what Andy was trying to say. He looked down at his own body, suddenly feeling rather self-conscious, trying not to show his second wave of stress when he realised his glove was off - i _t must look so grisly in the morning light._

'N-No, I guess you don't - just let me get my pocketwatch and we can both-'

Andy shook his head, silencing Thomas, eyes glinting a little. 'It's not fair...'

'...What isn't fair?'

'That I've only got to be with you like this just now.' Andy leaned forward to press his forehead against Thomas', their lips almost touching.

The distance was suddenly unbearable - Thomas felt his judgement be clouded by his feelings for the footman in front of him, which seemed to be growing more intense with each passing day. Thomas couldn't help himself, succumbing to the look in Andy's eyes as he kissed the footman with a certainty he'd affirmed the night before.

The underbutler felt Andy's wandering hands on him, exploring as usual, the underbutler only beginning to pull away when he felt them travelling decidedly southwards. 'N-No, Andy,' he managed as he moved away from his lover, throwing back the covers, eyes desperately trying to locate his clothing. 'I'm late, oh god, I'm so late... I want us to stay out of trouble on your last day. How did I sleep through the staff getting up without me, I-I'm usually up before everyone else...'

'Don't worry about it,' Andy said, sounding more than a little distracted as he pulled the covers back around him. 'They, er, they probably think you're upset over me - I think the Bateses have their suspicions.'

Thomas turned around to face Andy, shirt in hand. 'Really, you think so?'

Andy looked away quickly, a smile on his lips and a light blush spreading across his face. '...Oh, they know how much I enjoy spending time with you.'

'I don't think they know to what extent, but alright,' Thomas said with a small smile, now acutely aware that he'd jumped out of bed naked and presently hurrying to put on his clothes back on in an attempt to rectify the mistake. 'I'm still late, though. Carson won't be best pleased... I hope people don't come looking for me.'

'...Oh, do stop worrying about it. I'm sure it'll blow over - a-and a month'll fly by. And then you can head out to see me,' Andy said, playful words turning soft and filled with hope.

'Yes, it'll fly by,' Thomas said, more to himself than Andy. 'I'm sure it will.' He had to believe, he had to have hope that things would work out for once.

'I think I told you to stay last night,' Andy said, rubbing the back of his neck absentmindedly. 'I remember... Guess this is my fault.'

Thomas smoothed out the many wrinkles of his attire to no avail, moving over to the bed. 'Well, I can never say no to you,' Thomas said with fondness. 'And that's not your fault, is it? My brave Andy was going to start a new life in a foreign country... I had to see him off,' Thomas teased, enjoying the way Andy blushed and smiled. 'Besides, I can't say it was a bad way to start the morning,' the underbutler admitted, lip curling slightly.

Andy sighed and wrapped his arms around Thomas, pulling the underbutler into a clumsy embrace. Thomas rolled his eyes and hugged back for a moment, breathing in Andy's scent, closing his eyes to commit the feeling of such close proximity to memory. 'I love you,' Thomas murmured quietly.

Andy nodded, pulling away from Thomas. '...I love you too. D-Don't you start forgetting it when I leave.' He kissed Thomas on the cheek. 'Now go and face Carson's wrath,' the footman said with a sad little smile.

'I'm sure it will be of biblical proportions,' Thomas said ruefully, running a hand through Andy's hair.

~*~

Turning up as breakfast was just finishing had been uncomfortable to say the least - and many looked scandalised at Thomas' dishevelled state. Only when he had entered the room had he realised that he'd neglected to use pomade in his hair, the pomade from the previous day holding his hair only slightly in place.

For a moment, there was simply silence.

Mister Carson looked shocked beyond belief, before his eyes narrowed and he enquired in a dangerously neutral tone: '...and _where_ exactly have you been, Mister Barrow?' Thomas cleared his throat delicately and tried to smooth out his uniform once again. 

'...I... Didn't feel very well this morning,' he lied, trying to emulate the innocence Andy had brought to the alibi a while back.

' _Yes,_ well, you'd have to be out of sorts to turn up to breakfast looking so, so _ungroomed,_ ' Carson said, raising his voice in a way that left Thomas suppressing a wince. 'I'm _surprised_ at you, Mister Barrow - surprised and disappointed. Such lateness and blatant lack of respect for the way you present yourself as a staff member is not tolerated at Downton, and you of all people should know that. I want to see you in my office immediately after breakfast, do I make myself clear?'

'Yes, Mister Carson,' Thomas said, trying to keep his expression sober and remorseful as he sat down in the only chair left available to him - the chair next to Bates.

For a short while neither of them said anything, Bates minutely sipping his tea as the people around them gradually began to relax, a steady chatter building up again. But then Bates turned to the underbutler with a face like thunder.

'I was sent to go and see if you were alright,' Bates murmured softly, though there was clear venom behind his words. 'I didn't find you in your bedroom.'

Thomas masked his face as uninterested and said: 'I told Mister Carson just now... I've been feeling out of sorts lately. I went for a smoke to calm my nerves.'

'None of us saw you go for one.'

'Well, that's what happened, and if you didn't see me, then you must've been far too preoccupied with other things to notice,' Thomas replied cooly. 'And that's got nothing to do with me.'

'I told them you were getting ready. I didn't have to do that. I could have searched _the other rooms_.'

'Well, then why didn't you?'

'I didn't want to cause a scene. But you would've deserved it for being so reckless.'

'Really? Because it seems to me that you've had it out for me for a while, now.'

'Well... I thought that it wouldn't make much difference. He's leaving today, anyhow.' 

Thomas ignored the way his heart jumped a little in his chest whenever Andy was mentioned. 'I don't know what you mean,' he said with withering glance thrown at his adversary.

'You know exactly what I mean... And to be honest, I'll miss him too. Anna thought he was very kind young man and I'd be inclined to agree. And I'll miss the way he calmed you down and stopped you being such a bastard all the time.'

Thomas turned in his seat to look directly at Bates, stomach turning at the look of pity in Bates' eyes. 'Don't you dare,' Thomas said through gritted teeth. 'You don't get to do that, you don't get to pretend you understand, with everything you've got, everything I'm never going to have.'

Bates' eyes widened in confusion. 'I just-'

'-Besides,' Thomas said, seamlessly cutting Bates off, 'you won't have to worry about me "being such a bastard" or causing trouble for you anymore.'

'Oh, really? And why's that?' Bates said, taking a sip of tea.

'I'm leaving,' Thomas said simply with a toothy grin that had the potential to strike fear and confusion into the hearts of anyone at Downton. 'I'm leaving Downton Abbey, and I'm never coming back.'

Thomas would relish and relive the moment that followed many times over in the years to come - the sight of Bates choking spectacularly on his tea.


	14. This Is Not the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carson is scandalised by Thomas' resignation. Thomas and Andy say goodbye - for now.

_'...Excuse me?'_

Thomas steeled himself and repeated his words from just a few moments earlier. 'I'm resigning from my position as underbutler.'

'...I... I...' Carson looked as though he was three seconds away from putting his head in his hands. 'Thomas, what on _earth_ has brought this on? Y-You've been here all these years-'

'-I know. And I have learnt a great deal from my years spent here,' Thomas replied, choosing his words carefully, 'but I think it's finally time for me to move on, Mister Carson. Consider this my notice and a promise that I will not leave until I've attended to our visitors.'

'I don't think you've given me the choice to _"consider"_ anything, Mister Barrow.' Carson looked up to the ceiling, as if asking God for some sort of an answer for Thomas' behaviour. 'This is madness, sheer _madness._ Jobs are scarce in service, even I am aware of such a sorry fact. You'd most likely have to work your way up from the bottom - a loathsome prospect to say the least, and something I thought the likes of you would find frankly unbearable.'

'I have other skills,' Thomas said firmly. 'And I've picked up things along the way while working here that could be applied to other professions. It's time for me to leave Downton, I'm afraid.'

'You're giving up a career in service?' Carson huffed, still rather red in the face, the wind knocked out of him by Thomas' revelation. 'Now I've heard everything!'

Thomas nodded, expression perfectly arranged to be unreadable. 'I feel that there's other things I could do with the time I have left to me, other ways that I could benefit the world. I gained medical training in the war, I understand clocks, and I'm sure that with my reference on hand to give to potential employers, people will see that I am committed to holding down a job.'

'...Well, that's all very fine and well, but you seemed perfectly suited to service the last time I checked. I just don't understand where all of this is coming from... Unless...' Carson's eyes widened as he came to some sort of realisation. 'Has this sudden turn been brought about by Mister Parker?'

Thomas had known this topic would come up. He gave a slight nod and a small, guarded smile. 'It's true that young Andrew's move to America has inspired me to seek more from my life. I only hope I can be so brave if such an opportunity comes my way.' Thomas fought to keep his voice calm, but he was getting a little restless in his seat. Andy was leaving Downton soon - the underbutler desperately wanted to say goodbye before they were forced to part. '...We were very good friends,' Thomas continued. 'I'm going to miss speaking with him.' _And holding him. And kissing him. And telling him how beautiful he is._

'Yes, it's unfortunate that we had to let him go,' Carson said, though Thomas caught a hint of suspicion in his eyes. 'Tell me, have you seen him this morning? I hope he's got everything in order for his trip.'

'It's like I said, Mister Carson - I was feeling ill this morning, so no, I didn't end up seeing Andy anywhere.'

'Humph. Fair enough, Mister Barrow.'

'A-And...' Thomas hesitated. 'It's likely due to his new job that I'll never see the lad again.'

'Yes, I guess that is true. I think a lot of the staff are sad to see him go.'

'If it is possible, I'd like to help Andrew get his bags outside and say goodbye to him. With your permission, of course.'

'I thought you would. But you've already been an embarrassment today, turning up to breakfast in such a state... Oh, alright. I'll allow it, but only because this may be your last chance to see him.'

Thomas tried to hide his relief at the chance to see off his beloved, but let his gratefulness leak into his expression. 'Thank-you, Mister Carson... This means so much to me. He's my dear friend and I want to wish him well.'

'Well, don't take it for granted. And I'm still shocked that you'd give up such a valued and sought-after position here at Downton. I also think it's rather selfish of you to be preparing to leave amidst all this hustle and bustle, what with Lord Enright arriving so soon.'

'Enright, Mister Carson?' The name sounded... Familiar.

'Yes. He's visited us before. Still, with recent events being taken into account, you should find it easy to stay and help us before you leave to chase whatever dream you have. A month's notice should be sufficient to inform everyone and help them get used to the additional duties they'll have to carry out in your absence.'

Thomas would have felt guilty if he didn't feel so happy, so utterly free of Downton and its various vices. And Enright... Yes, the name really was familiar. It was all beginning to come back to him. Lord Henry hadn't been a bad guest - downright pleasant, compared to some of the more snobbish and demanding nobility. Thomas raised an eyebrow - _handsome son_. Yes, that was what Thomas remembered the most. He'd gotten on marvellously well with Percival - a few nights of deviously good fun before they had gone their separate ways with no hard feelings. Though Percival had been rather lovely in some aspects, Thomas hadn't been ready to fall for anyone again, not after what had quite recently transpired between himself and Philip.

'You shall be the valet for Lord Enright since we're now short-staffed once again,' Carson continued, eyebrows still furrowed in concern. 'Still, changes in the budget can't be helped... Now go and help Mister Parker with his luggage,' Carson ordered, bringing the underbutler out of his reverie. 

'Yes, Mister Carson.'

'This conversation is over - for now.'

Thomas gave a curt nod and got to his feet, turning towards the door.

'Oh, and Mister Barrow?'

Thomas turned back in the middle of leaving at Carson's words. 'Yes, Mister Carson?'

'I hope nothing untoward was happening underneath this roof with Mister Parker.' Carson was red in the face again, clearly troubled by the thought.

Thomas forced a small smile and gave a slight shake of his head. 'Of course not, Mister Carson. Nothing that would upset anyone at the Abbey.'

~*~

'Andy- you've got- hah, you've to g-go-' Thomas gasped in-between dizzying kisses, Andy's lips moving to nip at what the footman could see of Thomas' neck.

'Not yet,' Andy murmured, 'please not yet-'

They were in the corner of a corridor again, Andy's bags left forgotten at their feet, able to be walked in on at any time. Thomas was starting to wonder if Andy had a thing about almost getting caught.

'-Andy, th-they'll catch us-' the underbutler pleaded, feeling the heat rush to his face, his heart pounding too fast, breathing coming in short, sharp pants. Andy's hands were... Everywhere. As if he'd never be able to touch Thomas again after this.

The footman sighed, finally pulling away, hastily fixing his hair back in place with his fingers. 'I-I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.'

'N-No. Don't apologise. I liked it,' Thomas admitted shyly, and he could see it, that surge of fierce pride in Andy's eyes that caught Thomas between wanting to waltz sweetly with Andy and wanting to let Andy have his wicked way with him right there in the corridor. Thomas suppressed a shiver of surprise and pure _want_ at the thought.

'I-It's fine,' he persisted, 'But we could get caught here. Besides, we'll have plenty of time for that late-'

'-I just couldn't take it!' Andy blurted out. Thomas felt confused at the footman's words, but nodded, motioning for Andy to continue. 'I just couldn't take it,' Andy repeated, 'because we're going to have to stand outside shaking hands, being all formal and friendly, l-like nothing had-' Andy paused, hesitating, looking close to tears. '...Like nothing had ever happened between us. Like it was all over for us. Like it never even existed... And I know it's not over, really, I do. But that's what they'll all be thinking, a-and I'm leaving you behind, and I worried that maybe you'd start believing it too...'

'Shhhh,' Thomas whispered, leaning forward to cradle Andy's face with his hands. 'I'm not going to believe it. Me and you, we work, don't we? We fit together. I-I mean, I was scared at first. But we've got a plan, haven't we? We're going to make things happen for us.'

'I'm sorry, I, I guess I'm just a little scared,' Andy said. 'It's a long way to be separated from your family and I've never really been abroad until now.'

'I know you'll miss them, but didn't you hear back from them? They were really supportive-'

'-That means you, too! You mean the bloody world to me, y'know that?'

'I know, I know... I love you,' Thomas said, kissing Andy softly on the lips. 'Now let's go and perform for the masses - but it doesn't mean anything, alright? It doesn't mean anything because we know what happened and we know how much we care about each other.'

Andy nodded, taking deep, calming breaths, the moment when he was close to tears seeming to have finally passed. Thomas took a step back to pick up the footman's bags once again, Andy smoothing out the wrinkles in his own jacket.

'Oh! Thomas, I forgot to tell you something...' Andy said.

'What is it?' Thomas asked.

'The book. Our book. I've left it on your bed. A little something to remember me by.'

Thomas smiled sadly. 'I don't need anything to remember you - I'll be missing you every day until we meet again. But I appreciate it, Andy.'

'Well, now you can't get insecure and back out again - that book's practically a family heirloom,' Andy said, finally smiling a little. 'You need to get it back to me, but it's all yours until then. You have to get to America, at least to give me that book. Well, unless...'

Thomas smiled and ducked his head a little, moved by Andy’s gesture. '...Unless what?'

'Well, there's one thing I want more than that book, and that's a home with you.'

Thomas’s heart leapt in his chest. 'I feel the same way. But I don't quite see-'

-So get it appraised, if you can. I know you have your ways, what with you being so clever and all... And if it's worth a lot, b-by all means, sell it.'

'But Andy, you love this book-'

'-Yeah, enough to have read it so much that I needn't look at it ever again to remember it. This plan we've got is more important...! The old editions look pretty gaudy, anyway. We'll buy our own and it'll be yours and mine...'

Thomas nodded, smile growing wider. 'You've got more common sense than I do sometimes.'

Andy kissed Thomas tenderly on the cheek. 'High praise indeed.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for taking the time to read~


	15. Coping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas comes face-to-face with a former flame, and spies an opportunity to further his and Andy's goals.

The first night was hard.

The underbutler didn't weep for his loss, but he did pour himself some whiskey from his own private stash, trying and failing to read the book he'd bought himself last month. It wasn't the same as when he was reading and discussing it with Andy. Sighing in frustration, he turned over in his bed and found their shared book next to his now-empty glass.

He flicked through the pages without really seeing them, memories of their staged goodbye outside of the Abbey flashing by in his mind's eye. It had reminded him of Jimmy's departure and the pain that followed, but his heart was now sick with even more longing, because with Andy there was a chance, there was a dream that they would both make it to America. 

He sighed and resisted the urge to get up and pace around his room again. He felt tense, worried about Andy's safety, and more than aching to join the footman in America as soon as possible. The work he had to do before he left Downton behind was slowly stacking up, and he felt it like a weight on his shoulders. It used to be manageable with Andy by his side, especially when they'd held each other during the evenings. What Thomas wouldn't have given for more of that warm touch and closeness just then...

He was missing Andy so much already - which meant Andy must be feeling even worse, travelling so far away from the country he came from and the various roots he'd put down there.

The thought gave Thomas a miserable feeling in the pit of his stomach. He blew out the candle and set the book aside with a heaviness in his heart and a silence near-deafening his ears, turning over again in an effort to get some sleep.

~*~

Thomas tried his best not to sigh in frustration. It was cold and windy outside the Abbey, and he was beyond uncomfortable after the bad night's sleep he'd had. It had been a rough week without Andy.

He hadn't been able to resist telling Bates about his imminent departure, but he hadn't told any of the others yet. The underbutler knew word was starting to spread, but due to his reluctance to acknowledge it in-front of the other servants, people had yet to confront him with it, which he was thankful for. He had enough on his mind without having to deal with others' idle gossip. He was expecting Lord Grantham to call for his presence any day now, and Thomas also expected to be met with more suspicion and criticism. Thomas had had to deal with nightmares of Andy getting robbed or hurt in America, all alone with no-one to help him, which didn't exactly help with the underbutler's irregular sleeping habits. He just wanted to focus on taking care of Lord Enright, getting that all-important reference and high-tailing it out of Downton.

A car pulled up on the drive of the Abbey and Thomas braced himself, pulling himself away from his thoughts and assuming the role of a contented, gentlemanly valet.

He wasn't prepared for Lord Enright to be a different person.

There was a little bit of grey in his strawberry-blond hair now, a few more lines around his eyes. Laughter lines, Thomas supposed.

Still, Percival looked... Well.

Thomas suppressed a smile of fondness, surprised by his own reaction. There were no lingering feelings of love there, nothing compared to what he'd felt with others. But he remembered Percival to have been very kind to him, and they'd had a good time together, wishing each other happiness before Percival left.

'Ah, Lord Enright!' Lord Grantham said, shaking Percival's hand. 'It's been so long, it's so good to see you...'

Percival smiled in that reassuring way of his, nodding. 'Yes, it's certainly good to be back at Downton... But it's been a shame to even contemplate returning without my father, he had such a love for this place.' His smile became wistful.

'Yes, I'm very sorry about your father's passing... Are you and your dear mother quite well?'

'Yes, yes, we're coping. He wouldn't want us to neglect any of our duties in lieu of his death. Our staff have been so supportive in getting things up and running again. Things... Things get a little easier after a while. Taking on my father's estate so soon was quite a shock to the system, but I'm sure one day that I can get it back to my father's standard of upkeep.' Percival moved on to greeting Cora, and Thomas was left with feelings of sympathy and curiosity when it came to his former lover.

~*~

'Thomas...'

Thomas felt hands on his waist the moment the door of the guest room was shut, teasing lips near his ear, and Thomas went to pull away. 'P-Percival,' he said as firmly as he could manage, 'we can't do this.' It was strange - last year, Thomas would have done anything for this to happen. He was getting less and less propositions as the years went by, and a relatively harmless bit of fun would've been everything to him.

Percival stepped away immediately, shock in his eyes, and Thomas felt a stab of guilt that was quickly stopped by thoughts of Andy. _I've done the right thing._

'You... Don't want to?' Percival asked, voice surprised but eyes gentle.

Thomas sighed shakily. 'P-Please don't take it personally. I just can't...'

'What is it, are you-?' Percival's eyes widened in realisation. '-You've met someone? Is that why-?'

Thomas nodded, aware that he was going red but trying to work past it. 'Y-Yes. I've met someone. And I don't think they'd appreciate me doing this.'

'...So things are getting serious?' Percival still looked a little shaken, but that smile was back with just a hint of youthful cheekiness. 'Well, that's good, Thomas. That's grand. I'm glad for you. Man or woman?'

Thomas appreciated the Lord's straightforward question, glad he could finally be open with someone else. Andy had feared that Thomas would somehow forget about him, and though Thomas would never do that, being at Downton meant that it was hard to picture the outside world sometimes, and that included a life with Andy in America. This kind of conversation kept him lucid and sure about the journey he was going to embark upon. 'It's a man,' Thomas replied. 'You know me, I'm not like you. Women and me just don't... Work together.'

Percival laughed a little, shaking his head? 'No, I don't suppose you do. I enjoy women, but I'll be honest - I thought about you... Sometimes rather a lot.'

'...You did?'

Percival put a hand on Thomas' shoulder. 'You tend to leave an impression on people, Thomas. I just wanted to see you one more time, see how you were getting on.'

Thomas blushed harder, looking away quickly, flattered by Percival's honesty and sincerity. 'Well...'

'You don't have to say anything,' Percival said. 'You can of course leave if you wish. I usually forego a valet these days, anyway. I just remembered you being my valet years back and thought I'd request one for once.'

'N-No, I'm a professional, I trust you to be a gentleman.'

'Alright, then.... We'd better get started, I don't think Lord Grantham would appreciate me being late for dinner.'

Thomas nodded, beginning to undress Percival. 'What about you? Do you have anyone in your life?'

'No, I wouldn't be chasing after handsome underbutlers if I did - I have to stay loyal to the cause,' Percival said, and Thomas barked out a small laugh. 'I'm sure they'll marry me off soon, though. Orders from above and all that.'

'Such is life, I suppose.'

'Yes, it's quite a shame, isn't it? Status is everything, unfortunately. So... What's your man like?'

Thomas smiled instantly when Andy was mentioned. 'He's younger than me, which I had a few qualms about at first-'

'-He made the first move? Impressive.'

'Oh yes? How so?'

'Don't misunderstand me - you can be nice, but you tend to intimidate people. People find you cold and detached when they don't get to know you. That's what my father said to me when we returned from Downton that one Autumn. See what I mean? You leave a big impression on people. Of course, I saw it all a little differently...'

Thomas smiled to himself, busying himself with Percival's tie. 'I suppose you did. And... I'm sorry about your father, Percival. He seemed kind.'

'Thank-you, but I'm quite alright... We're coping as well as we can and getting on with things. I miss him, of course.' A little wistfulness overtook Percival's tone. 'He was a good and honourable man, but he wouldn't want me to mourn him too much when his estate needs me. I have to keep going. But I digress. I apologise for the interruption, do tell me about this _astounding_ young man who's got Thomas Barrow wrapped around his little finger...'

'Well, I can't deny it, he has, in a way. Like I said, h-he's young, but he's got a good head on his shoulders and he really seems to want to be with me. He used to work here at Downton. And... And I really want to be with him. He's out of the country at the moment,' the underbutler said before he could stop himself. 'England, I mean. ' Percival gave a small impressed noise, and so Thomas continued.' I'll be joining him soon, but even so... I miss him so much.'

'You must love him very much,' Percival said softly.

'I-I do. I love him like I've never loved anyone before. It's... Almost frightening,' Thomas said, avoiding the Lord's eyes as he brushed down Percival's suit.

'I'm sure you'll both be very happy together. And a different country... That must be so exciting,' Percival said, taking both of Thomas' hands in his own. Thomas revelled in the feeling, reading the situation as platonic more than anything.

Thomas looked up with a small smile. 'Y-Yes. I'm scared, but I'm definitely excited.'

'Well, if you want me to help out with anything, please don't hesitate to ask.'

'-What? With money?' Thomas suppressed a sigh. 'I don't want your money, Percival. It would be wrong of me to ask you for something like that.'

Percival sighed. 'It's all I'm really good for nowadays - well, that and my library.'

A lightbulb flickered on in Thomas' head. '...I remember you telling me about you and your famous family library.'

'I'm still working on it, I'm adding more and more each time from my trips to the continent. It's my pride and joy. You know how much I appreciate rare literature...'

Thomas took a deep breath - it was most likely now or never. '...W-Would you be interested in buying a first edition copy off me, Percival?'

Percival narrowed his eyes in confusion. 'First edition? Certainly, certainly, I'd love to take a look at it - is it in good condition?'

'Yes, it's been taken care of very well over the years.'

'But... How did you manage to get a first edition copy of a book?'

'My man gave it to me to share,' Thomas said with another small smile. 'We need the money, though. And he would rather we sell it, even though he shares your love of books. I'm sure you'd be interested if you don't already have it in your collection.'

'I quite agree - I'll ask for you to valet again for me tomorrow, bring it with you, I'll have a look! And I promise, there won't be any more nonsense from me.'

'Ever the gentleman...'

'I mean it. I'm so happy for you. I wish you luck in all of your endeavours.'

'Thank-you, Percival. That means a lot to me.'

The Lord pulled Thomas in for a quick hug. '...Anything for an old friend.'


	16. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas navigates a difficult conversation with Lord Grantham, and sets out to make his way in the world all over again.

Thomas bit back his shocked smile as he left the guest bedroom, heart pounding in his chest, feeling like he could float away from how light he felt. He'd never expected for things to fall into place like this...

'Barrow?'

Thomas looked up at the voice of an approaching Lord Grantham, quickly schooling his expression into one of neutrality. 'Yes, Milord?'

'I was wondering if I could see you in the libra- are you quite alright?'

 _Dammit._ He'd slipped up again. Thomas bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from smiling again, trying to contain his excitement. If only he could write to Andy and tell him of the good fortune that had come their way... But alas, the underbutler still had too many things to do in preparation for the journey ahead of him. 'Of course, Milord,' he answered automatically. 'I'm very well. The library, you say?

'Yes... After luncheon, if you would. I'm sure you can guess that it’s about the news you relayed to Mister Carson last week.'

Thomas nodded as he was sent on his way. 'Of course, Milord.'

~*~

'Now, what's all this about leaving Downton Abbey?' 

Thomas looked up to meet Lord Grantham's enquiring eyes, having composed himself earlier on before going up to meet with his employer. His happiness from a chance at a new life with Andy would have to wait. He had to play the game. 'I am aiming to leave in a few weeks, Milord,' the underbutler replied. 'With my reference, of course.'

'Yes, yes, of course, we'll have to get right onto that. But I must say - it all came as quite a shock. You've been with us for so long now and I thought you would continue on with all things considered. Carson said you were leaving service altogether. Why the sudden change?'

Thomas resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He expected a lot of this kind of talk to be aimed at him during his remaining time at Downton. 'I just feel like it is time for a change of pace Milord, before I get too old.' He tried not to wince at his own words. The longer he spent away from Andy, the further his previous doubts began to resurface.

'Well, your bravery is... _Admirable,_ I must admit.' Lord Grantham didn't sound particularly convincing, but Thomas found himself appreciating his employer’s efforts.

Thomas nodded. 'I know it will be hard, but I think that I will do well in other professions, Milord. I've learnt a lot of important things here that I shall take with me when I leave.'

'Didn't our newest footman leave, what was his name-?'

'-Andrew, Milord,' Thomas said with a little more firmness than he'd previously intended.

'...You recommended him, didn't you?'

'Well, he worked with the rest of the staff rather well, Milord.'

'Yourself included?'

'Without a doubt, Milord. He performed his tasks to the best of his ability and he was a quick learner. Many of us were rather sad to part with him.'

'Well, I'm sorry we had to see him go. Were the two of you particularly close, Barrow?'

Ah. And there it was, the all-important question which would undoubtedly label Thomas as different from the rest. '...We were good friends, Milord. It's not really the same without him, and I'm sure the others would readily agree with me. It's always a shame when someone from downstairs has to move on.'

Lord Grantham nodded, and Thomas could see the slight change in his employers eyes. The underbutler sometimes wished he couldn't read people so well. He felt like he'd have a lot less daily strife without such a skill.

Because there was wariness in Lord Grantham's eyes, but also a great deal of pity, something that Thomas had come to dread over time. And the more Thomas was pitied for his departure, the further his dreams of Andy seemed out of his reach.

~*~

Packing for the trip became a solemn, contemplative affair rather than one of celebration. Downton hadn't exactly been home to the underbutler, but he'd certainly spent a lot of his days within its secretive walls. He'd memorised every nook and cranny, refined his technique of playing people like musical intstruments, hated with every ounce of his heart and loved with the same passionate volume. He'd known fear and frustration and blandness and despair and happiness and season upon season. The years had simply flown by, and he couldn't catch them between his fingertips to wish them a little goodbye before he moved on. He was desperate to escape but also desperate to somehow remember, that _yes, he had been there,_ and yes, though he had often failed, he'd come back out on top marvellously with time.

Thomas and Andy had arranged for Thomas to send a telegram the moment he arrived in America, and now Thomas was more conscious of the passage of time than ever - he wanted things to slow down and hurry up at the same time, his confusion sometimes clouding his judgement and making him question why he was risking his career, his accommodation and semblance of a life. But Andy - Andy was too special to just walk away from. They loved each other, despite the underbutler hardly believing his own luck at the reciprocation of such feelings.

Thomas smiled despite the sudden, irritating lump in his throat, a tight feeling in his chest making itself known as his thoughts turned to Andy - he had lay with the footman in this bed, read those books with him, danced with him on this very floor, all crushed toes and slipping hands and odd angles. But there had been laughter as well, and somehow, that was all that mattered. It had all felt so natural. Thomas knew he would cherish such a night for the rest of his life, no matter what happened between him and the footman.

Ah yes. Dancing, something Thomas hadn't thought about in quite a while until Andy had come along. The underbutler had almost fallen... But Andy had been right there to catch him, fumbling a little but responding with a grip that was firm and true.

They'd had obstacles that stood in the way of each other, some bigger than others. Thomas looked down at his glove, pausing in his packing for a moment. Andy made Thomas dream, made the underbutler plan for a future he'd thought he could never have. Andy was someone who didn't pry... Someone who didn't judge. Someone who loved with every beat of his heart.

And that someone had to be protected.

Thomas bit his lip, vowing to always take care of Andy in his head, the act itself needless due to his feelings for Andy but somehow significant to Thomas. This was it. The real thing. He couldn't back out now. The thought of Andy alone in America gave way to that anxious, gnawing feeling in the pit of the underbutler's stomach once again.

He just had to make it through one final hurdle.

~*~

Thomas felt himself tense up and freeze automatically as Daisy pulled him in for a hug, feeling the eyes of every member of staff boring into him. 'We'll miss you,' Daisy said. 'I know we've had our differences, but I'm going to... I'm going to really miss having you here. I hope things go well...!'

Thomas patted her back awkwardly before they broke apart, the underbutler feeling touched but a little shocked nevertheless at Daisy's words. 'Thank-you, Daisy,' he managed. 'I'm still not quite used to the idea of not being here myself.'

Bates shook his hand rather woodenly, but when they met each other's eyes, Thomas saw no real anger there anymore. They would never be able to part as the best of friends, but Thomas could easily live with a tiny piece of mutual respect.

He'd already shook hands with Mister Carson and said his goodbye to Mrs Hughes, who he'd always been rather fond of. Anna had also said goodbye in her own way, smiling, nodding and taking hold of Thomas' hand as she wished him luck. Thomas had an inkling that Anna knew about where he was headed. He didn't comment on it.

Saying goodbye to Baxter had been hard - their alliance, forged in the fires of a mutually difficult childhood, had run deeper than he'd previously thought. Now all they wanted for each other was a bit of peace, so life would be easier on them as time went on. Both of their adolescences had been turbulent to say the least, and they'd changed so much over the years, but Thomas still knew he had a weak spot when it came to her. Perhaps "weak spot" was too harsh a term for how he felt about her, for she'd shown him kindness at every turn. She'd done her best to watch over him and look after him when he was ill - despite all the things he had made her put up with - and for that, he would always be grateful.

_Molesley had better do right by her._

The whole seemingly-neverending affair had begun to blur, a haze of handshaking and well-wishing.

Thomas was tired. He missed Andy. He needed to move on.

When he stepped out of the Abbey where his transport awaited, luggage in hand as if he was helping Andy to leave all over again, the underbutler felt a peculiar sort of weight lift from his chest. He'd lost the Thomas Barrow before the war. And now he was losing the one thread that connected him to that somehow different person, Downton Abbey.

Maybe he'd be more at peace when discovering the next journey, the next Thomas Barrow - one could only hope. But there was one thing that he was adamant about. This Thomas Barrow would not be separated from Andrew Parker.

Pushing insecurities and painful memories from his mind, Thomas moved forward.


	17. Life's Full of Surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thomas and Andy reunite. The rest, as they say, is history.

The sunlight caused Thomas to squint a little as he stepped off the train, the former underbutler feeling tired to the bone but excited nevertheless.

It had been harder than he'd previously thought possible, watching all of those miles disappear behind him, the constant wishing and worrying and above all waiting until he could get his first glimpse of his Andy again. The boat had been worse than the train - Thomas had never cared for the constant rocking beneath his feet that came with journeys of a nautical nature.

It hadn't been a boat of particular luxury - but in the times when he could finally stand out on the deck and look up at the moon in the sky, he'd see his future ahead of him, magical and exciting but strangely comforting. Before spending a night in an inn by the docks, Thomas had sent the promised telegram. Now he'd arrived at the place he'd said he'd be.

This land was not his own - even though he'd adapted before to survive, he had to admit that life without England left him feeling a little lost - but he'd decided back at Downton that where Andy belonged, so did Thomas Barrow.

Thomas' favourite hat sat slightly askew on his head, so he reached up with surprisingly-unsteady hands to rectify it, marvelling at just how many people were in-front of him. The steady thrum of conversation buzzed on, sometimes increasing or decreasing in volume though nonetheless always there. Chapters of lives unfolded here as people congregated and sometimes collided. _Cousins. Brothers. Sisters. Parents. Old friends._

Lovers.

Andy had probably been waiting for Thomas all day. The urgency came back with a vengeance as the former underbutler cast his eyes across the crowd. It was hard to concentrate when it was _so damn hot._ Thomas began to perspire in his heavy suit from both the heat and his nerves as he felt another one of his headaches coming on. His sweat-slicked bare hand was beginning to cramp from holding his luggage for so long, but he felt like the feeling was keeping him grounded, as if he could float away if he didn't concentrate hard enough, and so he was not particularly inclined to put his luggage down and let it fall effortlessly into the hands of thieves.

He heard a wild laugh from a young woman, and he turned a little in his place to see her being pulled into a rib-crushing hug from a fair-haired young man, both of their faces illuminated by their joy. It was as if an aura of celebration surrounded them, touching and changing those who came into contact with it. Her lipstick was red and her eyes were bright. His suit was rumpled but he didn't seem to care. And then they were kissing, slowly and sweetly, a moment so undeniably intimate that Thomas felt the need to look away from them, not missing the disapproving looks aimed at the couple from other bystanders as he did so.

They were young, in love, and completely wrapped up in each other. The thought made Thomas' heart ache as well as his head. His hand twisted a little tighter around the handle of his luggage, as if he could stop himself from hurting just by holding on.

The horrible thoughts he'd been trying to ward off the moment he'd left Downton had returned. The fear of Andy somehow dismissing Thomas, ridding himself of his memories and moving on, not even feeling like turning up at the station to tell the former underbutler in person. He'd thought more and more about Andy each day since the footman had left for America, and now Thomas was here, basking a little uneasily in the sun of a new beginning, still somehow having doubts.

He knew he was being ridiculous. He and Andy were also in love - they might not have been able to show it in the way younger, socially accepted couples could, but Thomas still remembered the way the candlelight illuminated Andy's face whenever they stayed up late into the evening, Andy's smile, Andy's laugh, the way Thomas would run his fingers through the footman's curly hair, the way they stole kisses when nobody else was around... Thomas felt his already-nervous heart beat faster.

Another whistle for a train blew and Thomas was taken aback a little - he was losing track of the time, the worry twisting like a knot in his chest. Suppose he should go looking for his footman? Thomas was so lost in this new country, things seeming familiar yet still not quite right, giving him a strangely jarring feeling of déjà vu. He needed a guide, but the only guide that he felt he could trust was Andy.

Thomas breathed a sigh of frustration as he moved further towards the station, just a face in the crowd now, and undeniably alone.

He bit his lip, a cold feeling running through him despite the heat of the sun. Was this it? Was it all ov-

-He was pulled out of his thoughts when he saw someone walking towards him, breath catching in his throat, relief washing through him.

The young man was a little more tanned compared to what Thomas was used to, and he seemed to have his hair less slicked-back. But it was undeniably Andy.

~*~

A n d y

~*~

_Thomas._

It felt like it had been longer than a month - it felt like the world around them had stopped. Andy failed to suppress the face-splitting grin that fought its way up to the surface, trying not to shake from anticipation as he picked up the pace. In a different time, a different place, a different world, he'd run up to the man in-front of him and kiss him. But he'd learnt a lot from his short time in America - listening to others like him who he'd met, he now appreciated just why he had to be so careful.

His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest as he fought to act naturally - he wanted to break into a desperate sprint just to close the awful space between them, but other bystanders would surely notice.

He saw his Thomas smile, saw Thomas' eyes light up underneath his hat, and then they were finally touching, Andy's hands gripping Thomas' forearms to check whether he was real and not just another wonderful dream. If he was holding on too tightly, Thomas didn't seem to care.

'Th-Thomas,' Andy managed, willing himself not to cry. He felt like he hadn't been able to breathe for a month, and now he was taking his first breath since they'd parted. He swallowed thickly, fighting back the tears. 'You came,' he said, hearing the disbelief in his own voice. 'You got here safe...' 

Thomas nodded, eyes glistening with what Andy suspected to be tears. The older man bit his lip, as if he couldn't risk saying what he truly wanted to say.

Andy took a deep breath - _oh how lovely it was, to breathe again_ \- and gave an attempt at normality. 'S-So,' he began unsteadily, 'how's Downton-?'

Andy felt himself be pulled into a hug that knocked the wind right back out of him, senses being clouded by Thomas. The footman gasped a little, gathering himself back together long enough to hug back, heartbeat drumming in his ears. He knew he should pull away after a fashion, he knew people were probably stopping to stare by now, but the feeling of Thomas pressed against him was too much to give up.

Andy heard a whispered "I love you" in his ear that made the footman want to melt right there and then, before Thomas gave a shuddering breath and finally let Andy go, wiping his eyes hastily. 'F-Forgive me, I just missed you-'

'-It's alright, it's alright,' Andy reassured Thomas quickly, wiping his own eyes as well. 'It feels like it's been too long... I've missed you too. So much.' He bit his lip a little from nerves as he met Thomas' eyes, trying to convey his double-meaning. Thomas still loved him. Thomas still wanted him. Andy momentarily felt like his heart could burst from happiness.

Thomas' expression was one of fondness, and he seemed far less hassled now that Andy was finally here with him. _What I'd give to hold his hand..._

The two companions set off from the station together, Andy helping Thomas with his luggage.

'Is this your day off, then?' Thomas asked.

Andy nodded. 'Yeah, I made sure to check in with the boss so I could get one today. I, well, I'm meeting my dear friend Thomas,' Andy announced, drawing a laugh from the former underbutler. Andy smiled, replaying the sound in his head before continuing. 'He's set to marry my cousin, Eliza. She'll be joining him afterwards, of course. I've been helping find them an apartment near the city. Two bedrooms so there's plenty of room for children they're obviously going to have.'

'My, my, what an elaborately-planned life I have ahead of me,' Thomas said, laughing again in disbelief. 'My poor dear Andy has become so corrupted... Lies are coming to easily to you. Was this all my doing?'

'Yeah, probably. I think I've finally learnt the knack,' Andy said shyly as they began to walk away from the platform. 'Anyway, listen, 'cause this bit's important...' Andy leaned in a little closer. 'Eliza might want to stay in England. You might want to stay here. You might have a little disagreement. You might decide to keep trying to make something of yourself over in America. You might need some money. You might just have a spare room.'

'Hmm, yes,' Thomas said with mock-seriousness. 'I suppose I'll have to advertise for a lodger. Do you have any suitable candidates in mind?'

'Well,' Andy said airily. 'I've met a lot of nice people over here, don't get me wrong, but I really don't think you'll get a better lodger than me.'

'...How so?' Thomas pressed teasingly as they took a turn through a quiet little alley. 'Go on, Andrew, impress me.'

 _I love the way you say my name like that._ 'Well, I'm tidy, I'm employed-'

'-Temporarily.'

'-As far as you know! And I'm getting better at cooking, so it's not like we'll starve. We like the same music, we like the same drinks-'

'-But we probably shouldn't have the same amount. You get tipsy so easily...'

Andy turned around, gently pushing Thomas up against the wall, causing both of them to drop Thomas' luggage. It reminded Andy so much of their meetings in the corridors of a Downton. It felt like another world. 'But there's something about me that you probably already know, that you know the others don't.'

Thomas swallowed nervously, leaning forwards to chastely kiss Andy on the mouth, and Andy sighed at the feeling. Thomas had magical lips, he swore to God. When they pulled back a little, Andy licked his own lips, his nerves beginning to show again as he managed to say: 'I love you. I love you with everything I have. I've tried to keep my chin up and enjoy America but it's been hell being apart from you. I'd follow you anywhere. Do you know of any other people in America who would do that?'

Thomas shook his head, smiling. 'No, and I-I don't think I'll ever love anyone else as much as I love you, Andy. So alright. You make a rather convincing argument, Mister Parker... You can definitely stay with me. It would be wonderful. Stay with me as long as you please.'

'Drat. I've still got two months left at my job.'

'I know you do. And by the way, you're more tanned than I remember-'

'-It's all the garden parties I help out with, we're in the middle of a heatwave and I catch the the sun so easy-'

'-You have freckles...'

Thomas was teasing in that affectionate way again. Andy felt himself blush, only just now realising how much he'd missed it. 'You know I can't help it... Now really, tell me, how are you?'

'I'm fine, Andy, I'm fine. We'll be okay, you and me. I sold our book, I'm sorry about it but the offer was just too much for me to hang onto it. It means we can stay afloat while we look for jobs-'

'-Don't apologise, I asked you to find an opportunity and take it.'

Thomas leaned in again, arms wrapping properly around Andy, and it felt good, it felt right. 'Yeah. And I did...' Thomas grinned as they broke apart, the former underbutler picking up his luggage once more. 'Now let's see the marital home you so graciously picked out for me before we get caught.'

~*~

T w o m o n t h s l a t e r

~*~

Thomas panted, hands that had been gripping onto his lover so tightly finally pulling away to rest at his sides. He didn't think he'd ever stop marvelling at how wonderful Andy looked in the new morning light, tiny beads of sweat clinging to the younger man's skin. Andy grinned, also breathless and dishevelled, rolling off Thomas to lie by his side in their bed.

Thomas felt arms snake their way around his waist and wrap around him, and then he felt Andy tenderly kiss the back of his head. Thomas grinned, feeling like he must be glowing from how happy he was. He felt like he'd been waiting for this morning his whole life.

'...Alright?' Andy asked, still panting a little himself.

'Bit better than alright,' Thomas said, smiling so much that his face was beginning to ache a little. 'This place... It's ours.'

Andy laughed, Thomas hearing the exuberant sound vibrating against his skin. 'So you keep saying... Of course it's ours, we worked bloody hard for it and we're going to keep doing that so we can keep it ours. So in the meantime... Andy nuzzled Thomas' neck, drawing a shiver of delight from the older man. '...I reckon we've earned a few days like this.'

'I just... I feel so lucky I can wake up with you,' Thomas said before he could stop himself, body still thrumming with exertion from earlier on in the morning.

Andy laughed again, but when he next spoke, his voice sounded sincere rather than teasing. 'I'm the luckiest person in New York. I'm the luckiest in the world.' Thomas blew a puff of air up towards his fringe, which was beginning to fall into his eyes a little. 'What's wrong?' Andy said at the sound.

'Nothing. It's just my hair, I need to go and slick it back...'

'No, you know I like it like this,' Andy said softly.

'Hmm, well, yours is nicer.' Thomas pulled away, only to turn over so he was facing Andy. His dear Andrew, who's cheeks were flushed from the compliment as they always were when the subject of his hair came up. Thomas wanted to get out of his own head and completely lose himself in Andy's eyes. He wanted to be so wrapped up in Andy that there was no denying that they were each other's. He wanted... He wanted so much, but he didn't feel anxious in case it would all fall apart anymore. There was always that old fear in the back of Thomas' mind that they would get caught, but they were careful in public.

He was still angry that they were persecuted this way, but when they were alone in their apartment, they could be their whole, complete selves. Thomas smiled at the thought, reaching out a hand to stroke Andy's adorable curls. They hadn't started out perfectly, and things wouldn't always be sunshine and rainbows, but Andy, like the sun, grounded Thomas, warmed him and helped him to see the beauty in things.

Thomas had eventually found a job in a jewellers, and Andy was learning how to cook in his spare time as well as making a spare bit of money as a busboy in a cafe. It wasn't the most glamorous of jobs, and sometimes he had to work the oddest hours, but Andy was aiming for the position of chef, and Thomas believed that he would get there eventually. It seemed that some of Andy's optimism had rubbed off on Thomas.

Thomas found that he actually had a network of friends for once. He'd met so many different people in America - some of them like Andy, some of them like Thomas, and some of them who were acquaintances that had no idea that they were in the presence of lovers when they chatted away to Andy and Thomas. Thomas had meant what he'd said to Anna back at Downton Abbey - it was good to have friends. Andy meant the world to Thomas, but having good friends as well as Andy was a dream come true. It had come as a surprise that he could get on so well with people, but then again, life with Andrew Parker was full of surprises.

Andy smiled and closed his eyes at the feeling of Thomas' hand in his hair - the injured one, as it happened, as Thomas now forewent the glove in bed. Thomas felt a lot less on-guard without it, and it made him feel less like a pretender. He still felt uncomfortable about it, but Andy's acceptance had done a great deal to alleviate his lingering sense of shame. Andy was a gift, and Thomas intended to treasure him every day for as long as they could be together.

'...What are you thinking about?' Andy asked.

'You,' Thomas answered truthfully.

'Don't think. I'm right here,' Andy said. 'Whenever you start overthinking things you look-'

'-Lost at sea, yeah, so you like to tell me,' Thomas said, laughing a little. 'Fine. I won't think. I'll just lie here all day like the lazy man I've been known to be and you're not allowed to move either. How about that for a plan?'

Andy nodded with enthusiasm. 'You always were good with plans.'

Thomas smiled again as Andy captured his lips in another electrifying kiss.

~fin~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you so much for the kudos and comments, everyone. I hope this re-edit suits the story better. It's been fun looking back on my first completed multi-chapter fic xx


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